A vent about being a shut in
I'm watching these interviews with hikikomori and hearing them say they can't believe 30 years has passed is scaring me so much. I was, more or less, exactly where I am right now a year and a half ago. Sure, a few things have changed but not enough for me to feel like this year wasn't pointless. I have been done living like this for a while now. I need to just tell someone my goals and stick to them. I don't have anyone to tell tho other than y'all (sad right? go make friends or you'll be like me) so...
- ask for a bus pass tomorrow (the people I live with won't let me learn to drive so this is the closest I can get)
- go on a walk in the sun EVERY DAY.
- pack away half my clothes tomorrow
- Monday - Thursday no electronics at all (this is for my writing thing)
- find 5 social things I can go to using the bus before next Thursday
- finish script by January 1st
- start taking my meds again everyday starting tomorrow morning
- NO YOUTUBE AT ALL IN DECEMBER (or november)
I've been in and out of spending months straight in my room my whole life. The idea of being seen is so, so scary. Even when I post answers on here, EVERY TIME I get this overwhelming feeling that I should kill myself in the first few minutes when there's no upvotes because I just feel like a social failure even though it hasn't even been enough time for anyone to read what I posted. You guys don't know shit about me yet I still fear you and that's just .1% of my fear of real life people. But still the idea of staying like this and never knowing anything more than my room is terrifying.
If you have anything else you thing I should add to my list feel free to suggest them. I have no clue wtf I'm doing. (yes, I'm in therapy)
Messages
do you have like social anxiety ?
yeah. Even though I can recognize in the moment when my brain is being absolutely ridiculous coming up with stories of how everyones being hurt by everything I say and do, my body still acts like i'm being attacked by a bear. I'm pretty decent at covering it up (because part of it is fearing they'll find out I dislike myself) but often i leave conversations unable to breathe or just ruminating about every movement i made and every word I said and trying to analyze it so next time I can do better. It makes talking to people not very fun :P BUT I think my fear of others something I can work on but loneliness is much deeper and impossible to improve without making connections. You can only distract yourself from loneliness, you can't beat it. so I think battling my fear of others is worth it. (wow what a yap for a yes or no question)
a-are you my twin..? girlll i get u so so bad i have severe social anxiety and you’re so real for this !!! im so happy you’ve decided to beat ur fear of others, it’ll make ur life so much easier and being able to live wo being anxious of everything you must b so reliving
your goals r really inspiring, you could also try ur best to compliment someone on the bus, or try talking to someone just saying hello, making small conversations because those r the worsstttt when you have social anxiety, ure literally feeling like everyone hates u js because you said one word lmaoo
but yeah anyway just wanted to say you’re really inspiring and im sending u all the best for the future !!!
oh i made a typo sorry it’s « IT must be so reliving »
Oh yuzo you precious little thing i am glad that you're trying to do better and also telling others to do the same. Ur defo not a social failure! Good luck on ur goals u got this!! Big ghostie hug for u (づ￣ ³￣)づ
awww so sweet ╥﹏╥ thanks for the ghostie hug (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Yuzo, you're a wonderful person. The fact that you can see your flaws so clearly and work to fix them in your own ways is lovely. I wish you a future you want to envision for yourself. Do tell us about your progress from time to time. Brag about it. I'd love to learn about it
omg watermelonsorbet every time i see you say something its the sweetest thing ever. I'll brag so much and I'll have so much to brag about ٩(๑^▽^๑)۶
Just wanted to say this is actually a great step you're taking for yourself. Also maybe if you can, join some clubs your community might be offering or like really whenever you're going shopping, try having small talks with the shopkeeper. I made a habit to do this and I think i did improve a bit of my self esteem, in a sense that not everyone is judgemental or like most people have many things going on, to simply just think about one topic all day.
Also since you're going on a walk everyday, I'm sure you'll find someone too, I'd say just try knowing them first and if they seem chill, just be like jog buddies where you don't reveal too much about yourself but just enough for small talks.
I hope you can fulfill these list, just keep updating here <3
<3 Thank you! Yeah I was going to see if theres any art clubs or art communities around here I could join. I don't go shopping because my bank accounts been at $0 for basically a year now and food is covered by my grandparents I live with. :P it's pretty bad. I think I'll try going to street fairs and art fairs when they happen to talk to the vendors cause that was where I was the last time I talked to someone new and it went pretty okay.
Oo right, street fairs, those are really good too actually, I meant them too haha. Definitely check them out, even if you don't have anything to buy, just go around and see what people are selling and have a small talk. Trust me it does help, and you'd probably learn something useful too. So win win imo ヾ(☆▽☆)
Good luck man, every little step is a progress to a better you.
thank you! (๑•ㅂ•)و✧ I'm trying hard to believe in myself
I've also been letting the years passed. I don't even make an effort to anything important to the point I don't feel like doing anything even when my life is falling apart. i never thought I'd live past 18.
seeing your comment kinda make me feel seen, it's really shitty lmao but It feels nice that I'm not alone like this. and just you sharing your goals make me feel like doing the same.
I've been living alone for years on a new city, I can't ride a bike and public transport is so abysmal and shitty, I've never go around the city. maybe I'll try to ride the bus.
good luck on your script. feel free to reach out to me if you want somebody to talk, tho I'm not the best at talking, I'd listen to anything you want to share
no, no don't worry I'm not offended. I felt seen watching those hikikomori videos too. I think it's nice but not in a sadistic way to know "oh, other people are feeling this pain and they're surviving too." I really relate but slightly differently to the "I didn't think I'd live past 18." I have an eating disorder and a lot of people around me when it was worse told me that I wouldn't live to 30 so seeing these 50+ year old hikikomori freaked me out because what if I do live past 30? What happens when my grandparents (who are keeping me alive and housed right now) die? what about my dad? where will I live? will I just be outside with my thoughts with no electronics to distract me? I've been getting better with my eating disorder and living past 30 isn't unrealistic now. I have more time to plan for and I don't want to spend it like this
oh no wait I meant shitty as in me feeling better reading your vent sharing your pain and worry, not you watching the Hikikomori video, I'm sorry for not being clear;-;
but still, let's live till we're happily 100 yo XD
oop sorry i misread it it's a little late haha. But yes let's get old! I'm gonna be such a cool old man
oh btw feel free to make a goals experience post and talk about your experiences. Using my fear of letting others down as a weapon against my depression feels like i'm hacking my brain and if it helps you as well I'll wait for your update post as well ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
you're not a social failure!!! life feels especially stagnant (for me) in december, you have some nice goals, rooting for you!!
Thank you, thank you! I get that- with holidays too december feels like getting off of a 3 am flight and walking towards an uber so you can sit in mostly silence with a stranger for 30 minutes. It's chaotic but lifeless and dull.
I love that you chose goals that might push you out of your comfort zone but are totally doable. You got this!
(๑•ㅂ•)و✧ I'm gonna kick comforts ass! But slowly otherwise if I fail to meet my expectations again I'll just be in a worse place...