I love this post so much. I relate with everything you said.
My own experience with a suicide attempt also made me learn there is light even in the darkest of places: an unexpected "plus" of being tagged as someone struggling with suicidal thoughts, 10 years ago, was that after everyone found out about my misery, many people I knew began to be really open and honest with me about their own problems. It's like knowing about my history made them feel like since I knew what suffering was, then they were safe from being judged, and that could let their their own masks drop when talking to me. I turned that into my own strength and began using it as a means to heal myself along with many of the people around me. It didn't solve everything from the get-go, but it was definitely a start.
Yeah same here. People who know tend to fall into two camps, the ones that think they know what they're talking about but really don't and say all kinds of horrible things as a result. Then there's the people who see it as an opportunity to open up. I'm super open about literally everything and talk openly about suicide so I get all kinds of interesting stories in return. People are pretty amazing.
My problem was my family who thought they could raise the perfect child by ensuring they had no sense of self, no independence and was generally 'less' than them for easy control. Any signs of independent thought = being condemned as evil or a sinner or simply punished for perfectly human behavior/thoughts. They actually told me they thought I was posessed by the devil at some point because I was having seizures. And after you leave an abuser you end up abuse yourself in their stead. I hated myself for a long time for no real reason. Eventually I grew up and broke their brainwashing. Now I'm incredibly happy and I'm working towards my dream job even though their voices still fight me in my head saying I'm too stupid to do it.
Things that have helped over the years:
-What direct proof is there that you can't do [blank]?
-You can't beat yourself up for failing if you haven't tried yet.
-The only opinion that matters is your own.
-Other people who have a problem with things about you you can't control are assholes, because you would never do the same to them.
-Are you doing [blank] because you're self-destructing? (I have a nasty happy of trying to ruin my own life left over from my upbringing where this was a part of how they controlled me)
Working this dialogue into my mind changed my life. Especially working out what things were my problem and what things were other peoples problems. That helped with all kinds of things. I'm lucky enough to be able to support people with mental illness indirectly every day and I know I've changed peoples lives for the better. Helping others really does wonders to help yourself.
Crossdressing = fine.
Age difference = a little too much for me.
Otherwise it's nice to see a manga with an awesome approach. Crossdressing treated as a part of the person. I feel bad for the old man though. He just kept sucking through life and didn't get any better. Just stayed alive and sufferring.
I'm happy to say, if you're suicidal that's more manga-magic. Life moves on as long as you change. Shake things up, choose to do things that make you uncomfortable. Because everything NEW is going to be uncomfotable. We don't like to take risks with such high probability of negative results. That's natural. Give yourself permission to fail, to look like an idiot, to be an idiot, to not know, to be rude and selfish despite your best intentions. To be human. And forgive yourself for your flaws the same way you forgive others for their flaws.
I lived years suicidal and depressed. But no matter what there are always people more hopeless than you. Treat yourself with a little of the generosity you'd give those people. Sometimes we're too quick to bully ourselves.