Responses
Right? I even feel guilty for him. That’s a horrible thing to experience and to think it all started because of taeju’s rut-ofc he’s going to feel bad. They do need a break, that’s the healthy thing to do but it’s a manga so it’s probably gonna be a dragged out thing sadly
psa: uuh im not good w names. srry if i got them wrong
dawg ofc he's going to be ridden with guilt. when
searching for redemption, you do selfish shit sometimes that you'd think is best for the situation. you'd always feel guilt for what you've done, punish yourself for doing stupid shit while also making a stupid shit decision.
in this scenario, he knows he himself was a big factor as to why euihyun might think of killing himself. euihyun is a good person, a natural at taking care of life (of himself, taejoo, and others around him), so being the cause and effect of his miscarriage equalled to him thinking that he ultimately brings endless sufferings to euihyun. while he showers him with affection, he himself (taejoo) might think that he's only doing so because he /needs/ to repay for his misdeeds and wrongdoings (as he should) but he **only might** consider the fact that he's doing it out of /guilt/ rather than /love/.
so in the last attempt, or what i like to think is his final way of showing whatever affection he truly has for euihyun, he declares he wants to end it all. end euihyun's suffering, end taejoo's torment towards the person he had come to love, end everything between them so that euihyun could live without taejoo constantly bringing him misfortune.
but, we all know, that he wasn't the cause of everything. in fact, he had made shit decisions that still saved euihyun; that still showed that he cared, adored, and loved euihyun. it wasn’t his fault that euihyun fell into debt and it wasn't his fault he got assaulted by others who weren't him (except for that one time he dragged him into a brothel even though euihyun agreed to work there, he was still reluctant, hesitant, anxious, and clearly wasn't fully consenting to being touched by a stranger).
taejoo isn't a good person, but he isn't the worst either. he's shitty, but he isn't as bad compared to other shitty people and i know taejoo himself knows that. but at this point, his judgment scale leans towards him being "shitty" moreso than "not being the worst". taejoo is scared, he's extremely hurt for euihyun, he is angry towards himself, he's overwhelmed by the fact that he has finally got euihyun in his arms again, finally forgave him, and caused another "misfortune" for the person he loves. taejoo loves euihyun, and he is willing to do everything to let him stop hurting; to live and stop thinking about death.
im sad for the both of them. but i hope they actually separate from each other, sort their shit out without each other, become independent from each other, before meeting each other and deciding to try again or not in a different, healthier, circumstance.