holy shit this is so good

the relationship between ilay and tay is so complex—it’s built on a trauma-based dynamic where tay is constantly fighting with himself, unsure if he truly feels anything for ilay at all. meanwhile, ilay keeps expressing his feelings without directly admitting them. every time he says something like “you’re mine,” it feels like his subconscious is screaming that he’s in love with tay.

i think this taps into a common misconception about love. when i think of love, i don’t see something pure-hearted or well-intended. i see something cruel, obsessive, and sometimes dangerous. love, at its core, can create some of the nastiest people. as much as it can be kind and wonderful, it doesn’t have to be. love can lead to obsession. love can lead to jealousy, corruption, even violence. the line between love and obsession—between love and possession—is so, so thin. honestly, i’d even say love often works in tandem with possession.

i know that sounds harsh. we don’t want to think of relationships that way, especially not ones as complicated as ilay and tay’s. their dynamic is clearly abusive, but that doesn’t make it any less real or emotionally charged. and when i think of my own relationship—yes, i love my boyfriend in a wholesome way—but there are still parts of that love that feel obsessive, possessive, even subconsciously controlling. it’s hard to admit, but it’s there.

so when we think of love, we tend to infantilize it—idolize it, even—but love often comes bundled with those aggressive, messy emotions. and ilay feels those emotions. he just doesn’t know how to process them. he enters every conversation about “like” or “love” acting detached, like he’s saying it for tay’s sake. but he’s not. he’s saying it to communicate, even if it’s subconscious—he’s begging tay to acknowledge his feelings.

that’s why, when tay doesn’t immediately say he likes him back, we see ilay’s reaction shift. he pretends to be indifferent, but the lack of reciprocation sets him off. he becomes upset and aggressive, because the love ilay feels is inherently flawed and rooted in trauma.

we don’t know everything about ilay’s childhood, or what exactly made his concept of love so isolating and suffocating—but we do know why tay can’t bring himself to hate him. and it has nothing to do with ilay’s actions—it has everything to do with tay’s upbringing. tay has always been needed, not wanted. whether it was as a symbol of luck or a support system for his twin, he’s never had someone like ilay—someone who has everything—choose him. so when ilay instinctively started paying attention to him, tay was drawn in.

but ilay is also the one who destroyed that fragile connection. by raping tay, he turned the relationship into a deeply traumatic one.

and it’s painfully obvious that tay now has no real understanding of how ilay feels. he keeps saying things like “he just doesn’t like me” or “he doesn’t care about how i feel,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. if tay took even a moment to reflect, he might realize it—but he’s so blinded by the trauma he’s endured from ilay that he can’t.

if everything that’s happened between them had occurred earlier in the timeline, before the worst of it, tay might’ve been able to interpret ilay’s silence for what it is. but after experiencing trauma—after being raped—his mind doesn’t register the very clear signs that ilay does care. and any person not weighed down by that kind of trauma would immediately recognize it. the anger in ilay’s voice, the way his expression drops when he sees tay crying—those are not signs of indifference. those are signs of someone who feels everything but doesn’t know how to say it.

what makes it even sadder is that tay is usually really good at reading people—especially when it comes to how they react to him. that’s always been one of his strengths. even with his complicated past, he’s always known how to connect. but now? it’s like that part of him is just… gone. dulled by the pain.

and then there’s that one moment—when ilay takes care of himself in the bathroom instead of putting that responsibility on tay after seeing him break down—that moment is the clearest show of empathy we’ve ever seen from him. and tay can’t even recognize it, not because he’s ungrateful, but because he’s hurt. deeply. and understandably.

honestly, if ilay had any grasp on his own emotions, i think he’d be kicking himself for how badly he’s damaged what they had. it’s hard to watch—two people so lost in their own pain, trapped in their own heads, neither able to figure out what they really feel because of the trauma they’ve endured and the trauma they’ve inflicted.

i just hope, someday, they get clarity. and if they stay together, i hope it becomes somewhat healthy. right now, it’s a trauma bond that’s not doing either of them any good. ilay is obsessive and possessive over someone who doesn’t want to be possessed, and tay is searching for someone who will love him for him, not for what he provides.

but if they ever figure themselves out, i think they could actually make a great match. like, weirdly meant for each other. but as they are now? it’s not sustainable.

all that to say—having a possessive side to love isn’t inherently toxic. but the person on the receiving end has to want to be loved that way. otherwise, it’s not love. it’s control.