Major spoiler...but not a huge one

So before I start my rant..and yes this is a rant
I have read the novel. This is a spoiler but not much of a surprise I guess, I mean we all know this is being foreshadowing the whole time but still spoiler non the less



Ok so....they show that yuder has a deep disgust?/mistrust/fear of what happened during his first heat as omega. And the reason is kishi pouncing on him due to him being close to his rut....and they ultimately spend their heat together, ((major spoiler))it's hinted that they have bonded during that time, not the bite on the nape kind but just bond sharing...which yuder is very nicely oblivious about. Till kishi breaks it and then is killed by yuder right after.

Now my rant is about this thing where this is not a one time thing...very often as much as kishi could be used to visit our commander yuder, spend some time with his, fuck his brains out and leave with the promise of a next time....when you look at it in 2d it's like they are forbidden lovers...and honestly at first it is shown like that to and yuder behaves as such too...in not so many words he does try to keep kishi from harm....not that it helped.
But as the story progresses we see what yuder hides underneath his mask...the fear, disgust and mistrust shines through when he again presents as omega...fear that he will be taken without his consent, disgust that he started such an impure relay with a man he clearly admired and devoted and loyal too, in his words trapping him in. And mistrust because while everything was going on the person he hated the most second to himself was probably kishi lol.
And you know whats sad about all this is that we see that kishi was having the same feelings minus the mistrust but add guilt and greed to it.
And noone can convince me otherwise that a man who is so in tune with what is going on in. Yuders mind (you have plenty of occasions to prove this) he is really distant to yuder. And probably he felt all that and saw that he was still reluctant, not completely willing and still STILL CHOSE TO IGNORE ALL THAT AND BED WITH YUDER AGAIN AND AGAIN!!! THAT MAN COULD LITERALLY WRITE WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YUDERS BRAIN BUT CHOSE TO IGNORE IT!!!! WHYYYYY?? was it like a dying man's wish? Was it because the bond compelled him and because yuder has kinda dulled his senses emotionally and is just coming back in touch with them...we don't know!!

There is no doubt that yuder also enjoyed the time he spent with kishi and looked forward to them...but the sex part was awkward/ disgusting for him, not that he didn't get pleasured or was disrespected during or after it, infact this dumb man kishi was so polite and professional that it felt like buisness and that hurt yuder too!! Bros were in love with each other but yuder was too naive to know and understand and kishi was to selfish and scheming to explain and make himself vulnerable. If I had a knife I would also drive it in his chest in frustration!!

Worse still that these feelings were so ingrained that our bro didn't want to get intimate again with kishi!!! This man was so emotionally scared!! And not a peep from kishi about all this weird behaviour it's like if you let me do this I will keep doing it until you question me or outright react negatively....yuder loved him toooo much to do that they had such a fragile relationship that he dared not to question anything kishi did because when he did ask shit he got silent treatment and ghosting....like it's true kishi has no way to protect him and was powerless and desperately drew the attention to himself while his most precious thing was safe under the noses of his enemies BUTTTT!!! where does it leave yuder?? Emotionally damaged till next lifetime and not to mention given how bad yuder is at surviving....kishis plan was shit anyway. My bro yuder found a unique way to die anyhow!!!! SO WHAT WAS THE POINT!!!!!