Hi
So sorry for what you've experienced. And you're really strong to share your story here.
I do feel like that you are longing for your real family, but just the IDEA of it, and as well as guilt because of your mom. It's like you're manipulating yourself to leave everything that happened in the past behind just because they're your family, and that's where you get this SAD emotion, because for now, everything's normal and nothing happened, but it's just your WHAT IF of what your family could've been if nothing terrible ever happened.That's what you are longing for and why it's hard and sad to leave them.
If you feel stuck with the family you are living with, try to connect more to them emotionally. Communicating and Understanding is really important, why? Because, there may be problems in your actions as to why they said you've done questionable things. Those actions should have a basis or an explanation for them to understand you more. You should be open to them, try doing it step by step. Don't force yourself but you should try doing it slowly.
Or just live alone. But make sure you've opened up your feelings. Don't digest and hide it, it will just build up inside.
I hope you're okay. Be strong for yourself.
Meant to upvote
I’m sorry I know this isn’t the site to be asking this but I am visiting my family who I have had problems with (in some ways you could say it was mental and emotional abuse. I also had to deal with getting in trouble for my brother sexually assaulting me while I was sleeping when he was younger.) Any way I love the family that I am currently living with however they say and have done questionable things too. I am an adult btw. I still visit my family because my bio mom was even more abusive and when she died it made it even more clear to me that I would regret it if I didn’t spend time with my family even if they did some terrible things to me. All this to say I’ve been back here for a month during summer vacation but I’m so sad I have to leave. I’m not saying there has been no issues but it breaks my heart that I have to go. I feel amazing over here while in the place I live I feel stuck. I’m not sure what to do. I guess I just feel like venting. I’m so confused.