I wanna say that you are very strong, I lost my grandma a few years ago when covid started and I have never been able to recover from it. I still remember how she used to wake me up, when I used to help her with her plants and I just miss the feeling of her hands so much... I really hoped I could just smile and laugh on remembering her but every time I do, I cry and I just don't think I can last any longer. And to make matters worse, I lost my aunt last year, she was my grandma's daughter and probably the only one that reassembled her so so much. She left behind her young kids and her new born son, and just knowing they won't have any memories with her makes me feel worse...
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Just remember you were nurtured by that love, it hurts because it was that profound, that real, that pure.
Yes, it hurts when the memories come unexpectedly but I’m just glad that I (you too) got to experience that kind of love.
When everything feels too heavy just remember her smile, the wise words and the warmth her love gave you.
Don’t go… as a new chapter is written every day and I bet she’ll be waiting to read how you’ll use all that she gave you to thrive and be not perfect but just you.
Thank you so much for your encouraging and kind words. I really respect your strength for being able to keep going, I might not be able to feel the same right now but hopefully it'll somehow change later on. The only reason I haven't done if what I thought of is because of my family. My baby brother was born just a few days before my aunts passing and on the same day and month that my grandma passed.. my family is a reason why I was still holding on, and now that I've got my brother, who is like a gift from my grandma, I am trying to really stay alive. I've always thought like I have and I don't really know why. I have deep regrets because not only did I make my parents worry, I also made my grandma talk to my parents about her concerns over me. (These are not my words, but my parents) they told me that when I was about 5 and above, I went and told my grandma that I wished to die and that I didn't wanna be here no more.. and since the passing of my grandma and Tia things just got worse. As you said, I could try to remember they're smiles, touch and laughter and try to think on the way they would want me to keep going. Once again, thank you for your words and I really hope you have a loving and healthy life ahead of you with the love you got from your grandma.
Sorry for ranting off but I just needed to let some things go. Really really sorry for the long comments. And some parts don't even make sense since I just wrote what I thought
Don’t worry ~
I truly hope you stay and find joy on each and every day no matter how little.
I’ve been drinking my tears for the last 40 minutes.
I recently lost my grandma, our matriarch and the truest statement in this chapter is that they leave behind so much more than the sadness we felt at the time of their departure… even when randomly crying because I miss her I would laugh and remember fondly our time together.