Everything hurts

I just want to ramble.

From start to finish, this manhwa has never stopped delivering raw monologues and introspection.

One moment you see Ibeom pulling sensible remarks (like saying that Jungoh should go to a corporate job and use his degree; or like that time that Jungoh doesn't have to remember his memories anymore and Ibeom will just bury them as past dreams) then the next he's admitting that he hoped Jungoh was struggling even in just one aspect so Ibeom could be a "pillar" of stability. Because that's just how human relationships and the human mind really work sometimes.

For almost the entirety of the main story, Jungoh has always been the strongest force that broke a lot of hard and tall layers of insecurity and suspicion that Ibeom built around himself. Ibeom has grown so much because of Jungoh, and it's only natural for him to want to return that support and affection.

Even more so after he has actually hurt Jungoh with that Seedling incident. Ibeom feels like he could never reciprocate the same things Jungoh had given him, so now he just hopes that Jungoh struggles in some way. Ibeom wouldn't willingly ruin his life, it's just that greedy little hope of him that Jungoh's life is still "incomplete" that there's this little emptiness and space that Ibeom could fill all on his own.

It must hurt. Not just to Ibeom but also to Jungoh. The feeling that you can't just find the ideal and perfect middle ground because one way or another, partners don't exactly complete each other. Sometimes the things you can provide is something that the other person already has. It just comes down to what they want to choose more, what the feel more comfortable and happier with.

And honestly, sometimes communication really isn't a one size fits all. Feelings are volatile things, sometimes words can persuade them, sometimes it irritates them, sometimes it doesn't do anything. Even if Jungoh had said he was worried about being branded for nepotism and such, Ibeom finds it hard to sympathize Jungoh's worries because his feelings of self-deprecation surfaces more.

Ibeom just needs to realize that Jungoh doesn't need to struggle to choose him. Jungoh has always wanted to choose him over anything else. Sometimes you just have to realize that being chosen amongst the other available options could work better than being the last resort because it just shows how strongly your partner feels for you, trusts you, and relies on you.

I really felt my heart twist when Ibeom was just cursing himself and beating himself with those dialogues. He's still so in the dark with his own emotions, bottling it all up, and feeling frustrated he can't become any better than he is now. He's even more frustrated that he actually feels that way because it's so immature, ugly, and shameful.

Ibeom has never been a fixed shape in a specific part of a puzzle in Jungoh's life. He doesn't have to force himself to find where he should belong in Jungoh's life. I'd say Ibeom was more like the ocean to Jungoh's shores. Even if when he feels small, Jungoh has always been there, and even when he feels too much, Jungoh has never left even then.