This is too much

Emotions make you do some intense mental gymnastics

That's true.. but can you imagine being like that on yourself? Just curious about others opinion' bcos if I were to put myself on his shoe.. i'd seek for proper forgiveness rather than hurting myself like that- i know others have different opinion on this but' i just really can't imagine..

I've been in his shoes before, at that point your head's not in the right headspace and the only thing you could think of is destroying more of yourself until you're gone/disappear. It's just a very shitty place to be y'know. But you're right it's best to seek proper forgiveness and help from people you trust

I'm sorry to know about that, were you already feeling better now than before? I hope you are..

No it's fine, i'm in a slightly better place now (๑•ㅂ•)و✧

That's good (●'◡'●)ﾉ sending u virtual hug*

At this point, he's trying to find forgiveness in himself for hurting his friend not from his friend himself. His friend told him that he doesn't blame him for what he said to him but even then he still said he couldn't forgive himself for reacting that way and that's the part that makes it difficult because the only way he forgives himself is by getting raped. That feeling of relief like he repented his sins only comes from when he's getting beaten and raped. I think prior to him getting raped he would've accepted his friend's forgiveness and moved on but I think the traumatic experience made him think that it was his punishment and him receiving the punishment made him feel better about the time he was the one who put a traumatic experience onto someone else. I wouldn't be able to imagine myself in that exact position but thats because i'm not really him ╮(￣▽￣)╭.