pain

"everyone has to sacrifice something for happiness" :/// i wish ian could learn to treasure himself and realize that staying with raymond how everything is right now is not happiness. hes miserable. he can't paint, he's been shunned out by everyone, he can't meet with his friends, and now nicholas is gone. staying with raymond will just make his life worse. the sacrifice he needs to make isnt painting but raymond. he needs to let go of raymond if he wants to be happy, no matter how much it hurts. if raymond loves him and it's meant to be, they'll meet again, this time not in darkness, but in light.

also im kinda disappointed in nicholas :// i get being envious and upset but saying hes jealous of ian's past is so gross and dismissive of the trauma ian's been through. it romanticizes everything ian went through because "oh, well at least you're a good painter now!" but ian hasn't even come to terms with his past and its just so weird to say something like that. i hope nicholas will apologize because i really like him and hes like... the only person ian can really rely on right now. god. this is making me so upset because ian really has no one to rely on now. hes alone again