beta
Nerd project is a lil hard read for me bcus of how similar andrew reminded me of my ex but the difference is andrew is not afraid to communicate his feels and luke is just a bundle of positivity unlike me.
I always showed a positive side towards strangers, friends, classmates but that would change when they get a closer and that positive would be a mixture of negativity as i struggled with self-esteem.
My ex was a classmate who fell in love with my positive side and at the same time I've just come to terms with the fact that I like both girls and guys. I've confided in my ex whom I thought was straight without realizing that she has had a crush on me for over a year.
The reason that I was overly friendly to her was because I felt bad that she wasn't talking to anyone in class and that was it. She cornered me into the dusty staircase in my college and confessed her love to me, and demanded that I give her an answer right there and then. Out of fear of losing a friend in college, I accepted her confession.
I always imagined my first confession, my FIRST kiss would be somewhere romantic like under the night sky, after dinner or yk if u read a lot of romantic stories like me. But to have my first kiss in a dusty staircase on a weekday afternoon in college broke me. It made me so upset at myself for not being able to say no and for getting caught up with her. That really made any self-respect I have for myself worsen.
As how most stories go, the person who have a crush on the other should work hard to win over the other person am i wrong? But my ex did nothing to win my feelings over. We just got more physical touchy in class. I felt like I was the one that had to work hard to win her approval of our relationship because I am a people pleaser.
I was happy that I was in my first relationship and with a girl too and was determine to make it work. But we rarely go on dates, and she's so quiet that she doesn't communicate. It made me anxious and the only thing I know that can satiate her anxiety outbursts is my body.
It made me felt like a whore and I wasnt sure if all relationships were like that cause most of my friends are single and none of them are gay. But I believed the stories, I've read and heard. I believe that relationships are not dreadful and dry like this. So I became more proactive, make DIY gifts for her, conveyed my love to her.
I was crying one time in the car, and my ex just proposed to me while I was mid crying in the car. Mind you, in my country it's illegal to be gay. And for her to propose to me in a car while its raining outside and I'm all sad and crying. That was when I realized, I am dating someone that does not know my interests. Mind you, I was the driver so I have to drive us back after that awkwardness.
She didn't know I wanted to be proposed in a beautiful scenery after a nice date, she doesn't know I need someone who is stronger than me mentally, she doesn't know I want my first kiss to be genuine and not forced, she just doesn't know anything about me.
To her, I am probably someone whose body is good enough to help her whenever she has a panic attack, mental anguish, college assignment and etc.
She tried to break up with me on the phone after what I assumed was a good day after class, in which I objected because she was being anxious.
Just for months later, I wanted to break up with her physically because she was forcing me to do things that I didn't want. She refuse. She refuse because dhe said she finally understood my likes and dislikes and is willing to work on it.
Just
for
her
to
break
up
with
me
a
few
days
later.
And it was the final week of my college life. Essentially in which she made it all about her again because I was crying non stop as the last week of college when I'm suppose to be saying goodbyes to all my classmates. I was too busy crying about my break up.
She came to my house a few weeks later unnanouced, beg to go up my place in which I refuse. She promise that she would go get mental help and yelled at me to shut up when I tried to speak my mind. Then tells me she loves me. I sent her off with her dad and walk away.
2 Months later, she's dating a new girl and posting all over social media with videos of them making out. My friends showed me as I've unfollwed her.
I felt miserable, as how could she move on so fast when she was the one that liked me first. Did she think about me when kissing another girl? Are we still friends? Im not sure.
Then they broke up and now shes a devout christian.
And I'm dating a cute boy rn who's mentally stronger than me, very patient and learns about my likes and dislikes first and wait for me to make the first move. I'm still queer as hell but the me from the past couldn't imagined my relationship is with someone that I genuinely like.
If you read till the end, thank you stranger on the internet.
I hope you'll genuinely get to do the things that you like without anyone shaming you for it.
Love,
Another stranger on the internet.