philla's Things

how do I cope or grow or what do I do with the fact that me and my siblings arnt close right now? Im 1 of 10 - second oldest daughter. because of life were all just growing at different paces- some are early teens some, some late, some little kids, im 20 - were clashing a lot more and everyones going through their phases and were not close anymore and I hate it but theres not much I can do I can focus on my younger siblings who I have better relationships with but I grew up with the first few generations and I just miss everything but I know I have to move on,. I juts dont even know how to act like a sister anymore. i also know that as we get older things might get better but were all going through a lot right now and I need the comfort of my family.

is anyone else super nosy and loves stalking old ex friends or classmates or the randomest people on social media cuz u just wanna. cuz me- and then I get pissed when their too mysterious and have nothing to stalk. I love posting cuz its fun its like a creative outlet SO IM SO EASY TO STALK ur welcome people but cmon bro. its prob better for my sake tho stalking ur past brings up some bad feelings especially with ex friends. anyone else???

do you guys remember when we couldn't post or write anything on here for a good while like a couple months. I just thought of it. I cant remember why it got shut off tho was it cuz something got leaked or a problem with the authors??

I was scrolling thru insta and saw my dads account pop up in my recommended and his profile is him and the girl he's cheating on my mom with giving him a kiss on the cheek. he's tried to introduce me to her before but I dont take none of that bs I kinda just go Welp and move on but how do you guys cope or how did you react when you found out your parent was cheating?

Lowkey this place be my blog space sometimes~
but I was thinking the other day about the word performative how its being thrown around a lot and it kinda sounds like a negative word referring to people (mainly male manipulator matcha boys) who like to outwardly express themselves with aesthetics and stuff now excluding the matcha manipulators- being called "performative" is exactly what it looks like, performing, whether it's for other people or even for yourself. You're showing the way you want to be seen. You're putting out what you want to be like. And whether that’s “real” or not—how could it be fake if you’re the one doing it? You’re showing the version of you that you want people to see. You’re basically saying, “Hey, this is how I want to be, this is me.” And whether that version sticks or changes over time—that’s up to you but I absolutely hate how its become a bad thing to want to preform. I want to be a fairy princess like I want to be magical. Why does that have to be embarrassing or fake? just for wanting to be that way? and still even knowing all that I catch myself thinking even for a split second, wait, is this too performative? am I being fake? just for even wanting too be that way its messing with my perception of myself why am I questioning how I express myself?

if anyone wants to add any thoughts go ahead~