pyschosimp's Things

Basically they ran up behind me and scared me and was like giggling, then my other friend asked 'would U date (my name) if she was a guy' and my crush said 'no way we're too similar'

Do I just kms like

less than 24 hrs after I post that question too the world is giving me a sign but I actually still have hope she said it out of defense and if I confess it could still work out, but I'm actually also horrified how she wasn't smiling when she said it and kinda backed off ARGHHHHHHHH

Guys I have a fat crush on this person and they're a very close friend to me, we have all the same niche interests and we get along really well too! They're seriously cute in my eyes and there's been several moments where I felt they almost gave reciprocating energy, for example:
- got shy over saying our 'ship name' randomly
- got shy once when a friend joked about them having me to themselves
- calls me cute (could be in a platonic manner but they also don't really call our other friends cute....!!)
We even used to fake 'date' like 5yrs back but then we stopped being friends for a while till 3 yrs ago so we both did move on from it (the crush began 5 yrs ago, fizzled out for natural reasons, reignited last year). dk if that's very relevant (she made a face once when I told her recently some people thought we actually dated so idk if that's worrying uhh, she's quite unwilling to talk abt our fake dating thing in general too )

BUT here's the thing
I don't know if I wanna risk our friendship because we leave school soon and we've made promises to travel together to a country together eventually because they love (insert region)'s culture and I'm from there. I'm scared if I do and they don't reciprocate then things will end up awkward and I've genuinely never met someone with so many similar interests as me and someone who's really soft-spoken with me too, like they're really nice to me
:((((

this part might be more worrisome...
they OFTEN talk about wanting to get into a relationship in front of me it's very much part of their everyday vocab and I really don't know if that's sth u'd say in front of sth u'd be open to dating (me). AND I don't know about us lasting long-term because don't get me wrong there's clearly a reason why I'm crushing on them because they treat me well, but there's also moments where they can feel distant from me, and they have traits that I can see possibly irritating me IF we got into a relationship

If I'm being brutally honest I want to confess to just see if they have ever reciprocated my feelings, it's quite selfish but I also just want to see if we COULD last long-term, I don't currently envision us lasting too long though....
I don't know if I'm being pessimistic or optimistic to be thinking this far ahead lmao, given they could just reject me LMAO

IF I do confess I'd wait till we finish all our formal assessments and ask them out over the summer break, we're both not in the best position to be thinking abt dating rn imo given school and stuff.

LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS am I the one not giving myself a chance with them by thinking so badly of the outcome already here or am I just tryna be realistic I feel like I sound really cold through this question but I swear I have the most sweetest fantasies in my head of me confessing successfully like

I gotta add there's defo times I probs annoy her and carry annoying traits so I'm not idolising myself in this relationship or sum

I've tried several times now with this site but I can never pass their security check question for some reason? I turned off my adblocker and don't have a vpn, and I know I answer their question right bc it's like 'whats japanese comics called' or sum to just make sure u rnt a robot. And then when I try a backup email, it says I've alr made an account with it, i do have a memory of being successful a few yrs back, but I can't see the security check for their 'forgot password'. What's up with this, how am i supposed to use their site.

I've already tried on microsoft edge to try and switch browsers but it's the same issue

I have friends that I genuinely want to succeed in life and get happy when they tell me good stuff that happens to them because I really value them and they treat me amazing when I need them, and I have friends who I'm less close to that I just can't feel genuine happiness for when they tell me similar stuff (I mean I feel that they aren't as kind to me as my other friends asw so idk if that's part of the reason why)

Is it weird that I have these kind of inside thoughts towards any of my friends at all and have differentiating treatments to them? Idk if it's fair to say that this has happened because I just genuinely feel better around the friends I want to genuinely succeed in life when the friends who I can't feel like that with don't even treat me badly. To an extent it's not about how they treat me but I just feel more comfortable with some people than others, I can't force myself to like some people bc of certain aspects but does that mean I'm problematic for these thoughts or do u guys get that too? Should I be cutting people out from my life if it's just problematic inside thoughts I have about them? I don't actually treat anyone differently on the outside due to them tho(I'd say so anyw)

like sometimes I look at the number of votes a manga/hwa has on here and I personally like to think most of my social media feed through several apps is just webtoon/manga related stuff etc so I'm fairly up to date with what is popular - why is it sometimes sth I've seriously never heard of, never seen anyone recommend, never seen it in sm's list, never seen a single edit of it and it has like what over 1000 votes on here????????? Am I just unaware of what everyone is actually reading or does Mangago like mess with the numbers or sth like I'm so dedass serious how can Within My Shadow have over 1000 votes but Murder Llewellyn's Enchanting Dinner Invitation has under 300 votes?? I've never even bloody heard of Within My Shadow once this year or ever and it's ongoing, but I've seen mentions of MLEDI like at least 5 times and it's been completed for ages. It even has more votes than Never Understand and that's like a classic BL on here, and Lost In The Cloud which is like viral??? Maybe I'm reading too deep into the numbers here but I swear the numbers don't add