milkbeforecereal_'s Things

Im bad at explaining so pls hear me out
(for context, im 21 and currently in college taking archi)

I had 2 boyfriends so far: 1st was online, we were discord friends when he slid into my dms and asked me out.
he was a year older, sweet, cute and chatty, he was very accommodating to me despite the 15hr difference. Thinking back on his mannerisms, he's probably the always touchy feely type. Unfortunately the affection was too much and it made me feel... cringey? Like i cannot do this. let me bang my head against the wall. I ghosted him
1½ year later... ;

The 2nd (my current) is irl, we became cosplay mutuals after meeting at an anime con. After 2 months of crushing on him, my friend decided to play cupid and I asked him out (while drunk. I also almost stabbed him with a cutter wtf) he's 9 yrs older, mature, responsible and a very chill person overall. He crafts props and costumes for cosplay and enters competitions with them.
My problem this time is that he's a shut-in (is that the right word?) he told me that he's planning to get a job soon..which was a year ago.
Babe, I wanna go out on dates with u and eat and be like those cheesy dates in manhuas. But we cant do that, not when u dont have the money to spend (b4 any complaints, Im the one spending when i visit him and the occasional dates hahsgsh).
I used to visit him all the time and have sleepovers but stopped starting fall of last yr using school as an excuse. He always asks for intercourse when i visit him, which i dont mind but i dont find it fun or pleasurable. (i suddenly started blabbering HAHSGS).
Anyway, Im still avoiding him now.

Next is irl friends, i only have a few of them (can be counted w/ 2 pairs of hands) i love them but i sometimes feel like an awkward 3rd wheel when we hangout, so I have (unintentionally?) distanced myself.
Idk how to make new friends and Im lonely at school hshsh
Same goes for online friends. I talk with them for long durations then stop entirely after months or a year.

I find it difficult to manage my time and my room looks like a garbage bin no matter how much i arrange things.
And the things i like, like drawing, watching anime, sports, cosplay, pc games. I dont find them as much fun anymore (boring if u will) so if i dont have anything to do I just sleep or read (there was this one time i slept for 15 hrs straight (￣∇￣") ).

Thats all HAGSGHAHS (；´∀｀) idk what im talking abt anymore hshsh