kiyo 清's Things

Does anyone else feel like they're just mindlessly wasting time? Mindlessly existing?

Summer is over and I'll be back at uni soon, but I didn't do a single meaningful thing even for myself. I didn't even go out and see friends let alone get a part time job and what not. Don't get me wrong I tried applying to so so many things at the start of summer, but i got no responses back and these were just random jobs cause i got too anxious to try for internships, but even then i got no call backs. Maybe this is an excuse cause I didn't try hard enough, but really I felt like i tried my best.

I'm really anxious so I'm always avoiding my friends and lost contact with all of my hs friends and now I don't really text/call my uni friends I only respond sometimes when they contact me. I said I'd be better out of hs and rebrand myself for uni... but ofc that didn't work and I'm still the same old me.

Even what I'm doing in uni I'm not passionate about. And don't start with "you're young you can still find your passions" and whatnot. I just feel like there's nothing I'm passionate about. Even as a child there was nothing I dreamed to be. I don't dream of working. But of course a human has got to work. The path I choose was what I'm most interested in so it was the only option if I actually wanted to get through uni.

I just feel like I'm so loveless, so passionless, and I do what's asked of me even doing it to my best capabilities but inside i'm so listless and my work ethic is low even when it appears high outwardly. I feel like a brainless sheep.

I'm just a normal kid too like I've never had a rebellious era or ever got in trouble before. I've keep my grades good and have never in my life have even been in a confrontation with someone. Like I'm truly just floating around doing and accomplishing nothing on my own.

There's nothing I want to accomplish too. Just want to make money when i get a job out of uni and live simply i guess. I'll probably be alone as well cause i'm terrible at keeping up with friends.

I'm asexual too possibly aromatic as well, so i don't necessarily mind it, but everything together just makes me think i'm such an unfit human like if i'm gonna be like this can't i at least act up? be the rebellious type? so when i wander around listlessly people see my character and think "that makes sense"? that i got with a bad crowd and ruined my life or something. but no this is just how it is. how it always is.

You've probably guessed it by now but growing up i had some... pretty bad idealizations. I have them occasionally sometimes when it gets really bad but I don't have any thought of... you know actually doing anything. So it's like I'm really just existing. and that's it. Like I'm not even really human at all and just made wrong from the get go.

I've written a bit like this online before sharing my thoughts and such and some think i'm autistic or something but idk just doesn't feel right... actually maybe idk. not that i'll be going to the doctors to find out or anything just thought i'd mention it.

don't know why i felt compelled to write this maybe if someone is going through a similar thing

I've never smoked before, but I a lot of the time am craving a cigarette. And not like vaping, but an actual cig. I've never smoked before never even tried it and I don't know/ am never around any smokers, so I haven't consumed a lot of second hand smoke. My parents also never smoked in their lives. Still sometimes the craving get's so bad like I'm experiencing phantom withdrawals LMAO

I don't even like the idea of smoking and I hate the smell, so Idk why I'm so obsessed or why I'm craving one so bad. The only time I've viewed cigs in a "positive" light is bc I think they look cool in drawings and ig certain ppl look good whilst smoking.

I'm not planning on picking up a bad habit or anything just ranting if anyone else has experienced such a thing.

Anyone have any BL live action recommendations?

My absolute favorites are Japanese "My Beautiful Man", "His (the movie)" and "Our Youth" as well as Thai "Bad Buddy".

I need recs that are ACTUALLY good like acting, plot, filming etc. I know some people watch BL just bc it's bl and I get it lmao, but I really can't watch something if it's cringy/boring. Thank you!!

my stomach hurts so bad guys. like nothing i've ever felt before. it's been hurting for over 1 and a half days now. it hurt so bad that yesterday i took a nap even though i never do in order to escape the pain and maybe feel better when i woke up but, spoiler alert, i woke up and my stomach still fuckin hurt.

it hurt the rest of the day then when it was actually time to sleep i thought i might finally be free, but i woke up today and it still hurts so fuckin bad. what the actual fuck.
i haven't eaten anything weird/different/spoiled and i didn't get hurt. i have no idea what it could be. i can't even eat all i've been doing is drinking water

I've always had an irrational fear that my appendix will burst, but if that was the issue i'd be dead rn... right?

i'm not going to the doctors or anything just felt like ranting idk hopefully it goes away soon or something

So I'm on summer break from uni now and I'm deciding if I wanna go back. Not that I'm dropping out!!! lol just deciding if I wanna transfer.

I was one of those I REALLY need to get away from home kids, so I went to a smaller school out of state. And it was terrible. I mean the classes where ok and I made some amazing friends. But I HATE dorming with others. I feel like there would be no problem if I had a single, but I can'tttt live w ppl I need my own space.

Even though I dormed with friends my 2nd year I still wanted to kms ughhhh. That's not the only problem either the school is really small so there's literally no place to study the library is ALWAYS filled and there's no spaces to be alone at allll not even in my own dorm. And I'm the type that will IMPLODE if I don't have time to myself. I genuinely don't know how I lasted so long.

I submitted a app to a larger in state school and got accepted and I think it's really nice. The campus is gorgeous and huge. I just don't know how I'd break the news to my friends/roomies since we applied to be in the same room next year and I never told them I was considering transferring... But I genuinely might off myself if I have to go back.

At the same time though I might off myself having to live with family since I'll be living at home if i transfer lmao.

The decision is to choose the lesser evil at this point lmao. Any thoughts for a struggling student?