what i understood.
since both of his parents treated him differently throughout his life. his mother took care of him when he was young, while his father was at work and not around most of the time. his father then took care of him throughout his young adulthood to adulthood. he got ptsd cause of his mother, or such, he was ready to give up his life, committed suicide multiple times. when his father was in his death bed, well he took care of his father, tho he did not show much affection towards him, when his father died, he thought he was free meaning he can die peacefully with no one going to care about it. then his mother showed up, fast forward when his mother was dying, he took care of her even tho he was traumatized throughout his life because of her. and he gave up everything and just watched her die. at the end of the manga, tho he is alone, he just wanted to feel peace and freedom.
my thoughts, i also too was severely physically and emotionally abused by both of my parents, im having a hard time empathizing with others, i hate people and socializing because of them,, i dont know how to act for my own, i only mirror what people do, even if its against my will. but in the end, i think even tho my parents mistreated me, abused me throughout my childhood to college. i think i will take care of them once they are old. if i dont die first of course. but still, i just wanted to be left alone. im scared of having a child of my own, i dont know if ill hit them or not, or how will i handle them. i dont know how to love them or maybe i might end up killing them. i just dont know how to love in general, i have a boyfriend but i dont know, i dont feel anything, im just aware that he is around, well i enjoyed being with him, we sometimes fought, still my feelings is the same, i feel neutral, empty.
Chi No Wadachi