Have Sex

i got sexually harassed a bunch of times as a kid and teenagers which is probably normal for most women. it never got to penetration, just touches and sometimes trapping me in a corner so i can’t run.

i don’t know if im wrongly using that as an excuse but intimacy scares me now and i have had a boyfriend because everyone brings up sex at some point. i don’t even want to kiss or anything. the idea disgusts me. i don’t know if i’m being conservative or those experiences made me view sex as disgusting. i don’t know.

but anyways i’m turning 22 this year and everyone keeps asking about my boyfriend and i have none and it feels pathetic. it is pathetic.

As a person diagnosed with contamination OCD, just the thought of having sex disgusts me. Not that I'm afraid of germs or STD's, I just find it genuinely horrendous to touch other people's private parts. I can't even masturbate, much alone have sex. So, fellow people with contamination OCD, how do you deal with this??

Does it hurt? I heard it hurts but some people gets through it just fine. So I'm asking for a friend, how bad does it hurts? Like is it bearable or not.(Worst case scenario)

Okay honestly let me just bluntly get straight to the point. Lwk, ever since I was a child, I’ve always been depended on the internet because of how much people relate to ts. But when I finally spoke up how I don’t wanna get abused or speak about the trauma I faced in my whole life (especially with my fam), we all decided to take a step to forgive about the past and move on to make things better.. But I don’t think anything will get better. I feel like my family nor anyone want some me anymore, and I feel like I’m useless. It’s an unhealthy thing, but whenever I want to express my emotion- I just stay silent or just fckin crash out because I have mixed emotions. (Dune to heavy judgement and mental health in the past). And I feel like I can’t express how I feel nowadays. And now, I’m more violent due to how everyone thinks it’s “so easy to heal and process” like they didn’t give a fck how I was hurting long ago. I still hold a grudge, and I feel like I’m so ungrateful but I need to do smth. Family is too religious that it comes for the fact that “i don’t need need therapy” EVEN THO THEY WANT ME TO TALK THINGS OUT. Like seriously, it comes for the fact I hate everyone in general. And whenever I talk about the past, they always blame ME Andy saying it’s MY fault I put those ‘trauma’ onto myself even tho I was the victim. Like fckin gosh, I hate for who I am. Can someone help me out? (Sorry for bad rant, but in the end, I’m always good at typing my feelings out, but not talking it out, yk?) (╬￣皿￣)凸