I Need Help

TLDR at the bottom
Ok first of all just to point out, I’d always have these little arguments about his caringness towards our friendship, or simply what felt like a lack of care. Sometimes I’d feel like he didn’t care, but part of me felt like I’d stir something up just because I want a reaction out of it, something that’d make me feel special or something that’d justified our friendship. But the final straw was last year. Last year instead of his caringness that I felt like was a problem, this time I felt like how much effort he gave into our friendship was a problem. Then again, in the back of my head I feel like am I doing this because I want him to say something that’d make me feel wanted by him? One night we had one of these arguments and it ended with him saying I was the negativity. I didn’t think much of it then but afterwards, and how he probably was right. So as an impulsive response, I said bye without knowing what I just did. He said the same. Some months go by and everyday I missed him. Getting some of my friends advice I would text him wanting closure or something like that. I don’t really remember the texts but one thing for sure I remember was telling him I was gay for him and had a crush for him a while now. I thought my confession would justify my actions and he would understand. I would never know though. I ended the conversation asking if we can talk the next day irl. I waited the whole week because of how shy I was. But once I asked him he just said he’s leaving and left. I felt low and gave up. That was the last time we talked. It’d been 7 or 8 months since then and I still miss him. Idk why but rn I don’t want him back as my crush but as a friend. And I don’t know how to do it. I don’t even know how he’d even feel.

TLDR: I’m missing my friend that I had a crush on but the thing is we ended our friendship a while ago.
Any advice would help. And feel free to ask questions. It’s my first time asking advice like this (⌒▽⌒)

I don’t know if anyone will see this but whatever. I have been pretty depressed since about September. I have lost interest in thing I used to love because they were too much effort. I struggle to get up everyday, because it just seems pointless. I find that I have a very short temper and small things make me angry. It took me a while (until about a month ago) to recognize what was going on, and people always say that recognizing your problems is the first step to fixing them. But it got really bad two moths ago, I was staying with my mom at the time and I was on a erratic schedule where I wouldn’t sleep for three days straight then I would sleep for 18 hours. My mom called me lazy, got frustrated that I wasn’t awake to do things. I want to get help but I don’t know how to tell her. I feel like if I tell her she will feel like she failed somehow, and she is already really stressed lately. Anyone who has some wisdom is welcome to answer.