Questioning your life after masutorbating

I just realized how un-vanilla my search history are- I hate myself lol.....everytime I read/watch some shit to flick myself I always end up:

"ahh that was good......I hate myself...what's the point of life?...goodbye world...why the fuck did I read that? ..why the fuck did I flick myself at that?...I feel disgusted....I wanna puke.....shit....I'm not gonna do this again"

Then proceeds to reading shit similar to that again....