SETTON IS VENTING SO STFU AND DEAL WITH IT IVE BEEN TOO NICE FOR FAR TOO LONG TO MY FAMILY
heyyyy guess whose mom made her cry today cause shes a fucking ass bitch and is making me feel terrible about my every move when i am trying my best to motivate myself to study and do well on my grades when that hoe dropped out of college and then when i say my friend invited my to go see the demon slayer move with her she made me feel absolutely awful about it like i was inconveniencing her but she let me go but made it seem like i was water boarding her to force her to let me go when all i did was send her a text during the day that she never responded to that said "hey (friends name) wants to go see demon slayer with me at 5pm tomorrow can i go" like wtf i gave her all the information i had and she's like interogatting me on every little thing when i know nothing and im too depressed and too tired to care and i have a migraine on top of that and its "its cause your on that damn phone at night" like bitch you are too dont even pull that shit with me and when you get migraines and have an attitude we are supposed to leave you alone but when i get worse migraines and cant even get out of bed you gonna drag me out like its my fault god decided to hate me today and its not my fault the ap classes are so hard for me to keep up with yes i have a c yes i am studying yes i dont have the motivation to care anymore yes i want to kill myself. but i deny deny deny "No mom I've never had suicidal thoughts" "No mom I've never cut myself" "No mom, I've never wanted to hurt you" "No mom, I've never had an anxiety attack, depression and suicidal thoughts and actions, and existential crises all at once at 4am and wanted to immediately just let it all go" "No mom I'm happy today" "No mom I don't cry myself to sleep every night watching lesbian tiktoks and coming out videos with people who actually accepted them instead of being passive aggressive and in denial for 5 fucking years" "No mom, it is a phase i will grow out of it" "No mom, i wont cut myself off from this toxic ass family the moment i get out of high school" "No mom, i'm not depressed" "No mom, everything is going perfectly fine with my therapist, who i am totally not lying too about my "positive thoughts" and my "positive week"" "No mom, I dont feel like that one Joker scene that said "all i have...are negative thoughts" i mean right you dont have a shitty ass daughter who you've failed not because she isn't amazing but because you just dont care enough about her to pay attention to her mental stability and what she wants"
And no, I don't need to go to my best friend who killed himself last year's grave. I mean, it's almost been a year, and i care so much about him and miss him every second of every day since then, and yet even though you are my parents, explain how you make yourselves so unapproachable and terrible parents to me that you are constantly putting me down and killing me inside and then tell me "You have a wonderful life, be happy"
If I had a wonderful life, would I be scared of you? Would I be terrified of asking you a reasonable request as to take me to see my best friends grave? It's almost been a year since May 16th, 2020. And I am still scared to ask them. Doesn't that say something about your parenting if I am grieving so much and hurting myself and talking myself down and rarely find happiness in anything except my music and my writing, and yet you say if I make a C, AN AVERAGE GRADE, better than most people in my grade could do in an AP class, you are going to take away the only two things in my life that i can truly express myself and be who i really am. Usually school is where you put up a front, but i've never felt more at home at school than i do at my house with my family.
Act happy? All of my emotions have been building up inside me since the moment i realized i was alive and inconviencing you. I never asked to be born, you chose to have me oh yea, its not my fault and its not a broken rubbers fault. So you have to deal with the expense I come with because if you dont you're scared im going to kill myself and bribing is not going to work. She literally told me today that if i make a C i'm going to be taken out of my music and writing class for good and i wont be able to join theater. But we all know the only reason she even has the cares enough to tell me that is because they are expensive and i want to join all four departments. She told me to go study right now, but she did not give me a single good reason i should. Kick me out of that group, take away my phone, take away the Netflix password, take away my laptop, not let me go see demon slayer, not let me join the LGBT club at school because "Its a phase you are confused it will go away" and blame me for every single fucking problem that you are dealing with. Go ahead. See if I give one single fuck because one day, imma lose it, and you'll put me in a fucking mental hospital and do you know those things cost bank? so you wont put me in one instead you'll keep my in my room, away from everyone, just me and my thoughts, and my best friends ghost and i have been VERY creative in ways i have been thinking about to commit suicide. I even have this whole neuroscientific theory to make it look like an accident that i want to test. Give me one good reason why I should stay alive right now. I screwed my friendship over with my best friend because I'm naturally flirty and her homophobic grandmother heard me and my friend told me if i call her babe again the friendship is over which really hurt my feelings even though i know she didnt mean it, my guy best friend has liked me for 2 years and i'm so scared to tell him i'm a lesbian because i might lose him and i love him so i dont want to do that, my girlfriend broke up with me, my other best friend died last year and me and my ex were his only friends so we will probably run into each other on may 16th if i can work up the nerve to ask my homophobic motherfucking parents for a ride because i can't fucking drive and they havent even tried to teach me or send me to a school and i know we have the money for it and i understand you want to spend it on important things like your first third and fourth daughter's everythings but clearly the second is not as important and avoided and unapprecative. I have tried my best to help you out, i got a job so i could pay for hot topic merch and somehow it ends up going all to you to help pay your bills and stuff, and im glad i can make a sacrifice. im glad ive made sacrifices in my life to help you out and glad you care so little about me even though i (while im typing this my sister came into my room for no fucking reason other than to call me a loser and leave the door open my point exactly) even though i make you tea i vaccume i clean up i babysit for free i take care of the dogs i deal up with 3 unforgiving and bitch sisters ^^^^^ who couldnt care less if i end up on the street but will move into my house if its a mansion and take my money, i made my older sister tea the other day when she had a sore throat and she did nothing but complain to me about it, didnt even thank me. I don't know why everyone hates me, I don't know what i did to deserve this bullshit when I have been nothing but nice and took all my feelings and shoved them down deep like a good depressed gemini teenager.My parents are up my ass about my grades when they both failed high school and dropped out of college and KNOW im depressed but clearly do not give a single kentucky fried fuck.
So please, give me one fucking good reason to be alive because my family doesnt care about me, i'm ruining all my two friendships, my grades are dropping and i dont have the motivation to pick them back up, i'm depressed and have anxiety attacks and existential crises every five seconds, my ex pretended to love me for 2 years, and i'm flat broke because they keep taking my money.
And i know no one is going to read this because its too long but if anyone does you are great and i hope you have a wonderful life and continue to enjoy it. I hope you find a nice lover and have minimal issues and i bless your life because mine is fucked up. Have a good rest of your day people. I would say i'm sorry for venting but i'm not. I'll be back to normal tomorrow since its been about a year since i let it all out so i'll be venting again in a year or so, good day to you all.
