sexuality is shit

Gonna regret posting this essay on my main if I wake up tomorrow but here goes nothing...

After heavy analysis I am like 80% sure I'm bi but I swear to fucking god my sexuality is fucked up.

I like boys and girls but in different ways. If I'm with a girl I want her to top me, but if I'm with a guy I want to top him.

I honestly wish it were the other way around because ffs theres so many memes about girls never wanting to top and I'm like 99% sure no boy on earth wants to be topped by me cause I'm an ugly bastard and also like super short and weak??? It'd be insulting to their masculinity or some shit. I wish it were the other way around tbh then it'd be so much easier to actually try dating irl and not in my head.

Another thing that's fucked about it is that I really only fantasise about women, but when I fantasise its always fucked up shit like the shit toxic yaoi semes do the ukes except instead of them being in love afterwards and happy, the woman just shoots me in the head, beats me up after I lay out all my insecurities on her and then cheats on me because she actually hates my guts and was only using me for entertainment and I'm ruined forever but I still love her. Like???? Is that even attraction at this point do I just wanna experience tragedy or something?????

And I sometimes question these two attractions because I know I'm way more passionate about anime husbandos than waifus (with some exceptions), and I've found more irl guys faces hot than I have irl women. Like i'd theoretically want to date more guys than women, but then when I actually think about what'd it'd be like to date them I cringe and feel disgusted, like that shit is so gay????? HELP??? But at the same time that woman I'm fantasising about in my head doesn't even exist and she literally has no face I just know she's hot lady.

Anyway, I think excessive yaoi consumption has ruined my sexuality, anyone got advice? I've only realised this recently and I'm so fucking lonely holy shitttttt