I became depressed cus of my relationship

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone so depressed and so you feel bad for them so much and you like excuse every actions they make? Well I was with that type of person. I know they're a good person, they're capable of it cus I see them feeling guilty and crying over the people they care about and I know I'm also loved so much by them but just looking back I hate the fact that my friends was right about it being super toxic. It's really weird cus like outside I've tried to show its an actual good relationship and that we don't need to break up or that we should cause tbh i didnt want to either. I genuinely loved him so much but he was making me so depressed.

I always had this huge pressure to keep him alive, to stop him from trying to do "it" every other week and I can't like leave the relationship because I kept fearing that if I leave him, break up with him that he would kill himself because every single fight. He does harms himself. I was in stress so much constantly and then you have some people tell you that "you're not trying well enough" like that feels shitty. I gave up alot of me just to make him feel better, I felt like I always had to defend him and be understanding always. I couldn't be upset at him, when he would disrespect my boundaries it's like I am not even his lover I was his I dunno therapist but a literal slave. I don't hate him but seeing how much our relationship affected me so much in the negative ways, that I picked up some of his habits because for once I wanted to be one being helped.

Dealing with that anger issue, the ways I had to comfort him just to make him feel better even though it incredibly disgusted me and I'm talking about sex here cus he was hypersexual. I hated those sm cus i genuinely couldn't say no to it 90% of the time cus lots of reasons. He's said sorry to me multiple times and I forgave, I never spoke up to anyone about how shitty I'm feeling not even to him. When he told me to open up to him, he goes crying. I felt bad for the things I said, for my own feelings for expressing the discomfort I felt in our relationship. It's just I don't know keep being kind and stuff. Don't make his friends hate him. Make him keep looking good but he was so crappy yet funniest of all I don't get why I still love him so much and still describe him as a "good lover" when it was just the nostalgia from when he was still a good lover.

I try to fix my mistakes but he kinda just never did. Well I know he cares and is sorry but that's just it. He literally gave up on just becoming better and like okay chose death. I was so upset so angry and everything all at once. I didn't know what to feel. Like cause you're fucking telling me I endured so much of their shit just to hit me in the face "hah I won't get better" and just ugh. I know he wants to get better, I know that sm he would do anything for the people he loved but he couldn't.

Frankly I don't get why he still liked his ex over me and would sometimes text him when I repeatedly told him not to do it. Cause his ex would just manipulate him and ofc he didn't listen and guess what happened. Well I won't speak on it but let's say "hidden relationship" is what I will say. I know some men are assholes and can't accept "no" but damn dude you were leading him on. Giving him hope or mixed signals like just BLOCK. Now I found out why this ex kept finding the acc it's because my man would stalk him. "see what he's upto" like damn.

Being with him have put me so much trauma, responsibilities that I didn't want on me at literally my developing years, he did make me want to live and honestly he's still the reason but at the same time I wish i never met him and didn't need him to feel validation cus god realising from when I first met him when he comforted me that was only what I needed. He turned me for the better indeed but maybe if back then I was less insecure I could've handled it on my own. Cause honestly cus of our interaction now I lowkey need validation, to get people to believe in me because I care about them and it's like fucking me up cus it's on people who don't deserve it.

I've should let go of by now but these fucking dreams keeping me from ever moving on and just healing. So sorry that I ranted this I just wanted to feel better because please learn from my rant.