If you need to trauma dump...

I'm really glad, that seems like a wonderful idea.
I wish you luck and peace, I'm sure you deserve it.
Good night

Hi Willow, I don't know if you had any answers yet. If you don't want advice, don't read it. If you do, I sincerely hope this will help even a tiny bit.

First of all, you can be proud for sharing this story. I can see and feel through your words what you are trying to express, and you're doing it really well. On top of that, it is indeed quite a hard story to bear and to share so I think you did really well writing it. Thank you.

Then, I am absolutely not a psychologist or an expect in psychanalysis, but it seems to me that the trauma of losing your father in such a helpless situation and also the fact that you were really young made your brain protect itself. That's usually what happens when such a deep and heavy incident occurs to a child. The brain will alterate or simply erase the memories, bury them deep, so that you don't confront them and suffer. It is the protection mechanism of the brain. So you are absolutely not alone in this. It also happens to adults living a traumatic experience.

After that, not only did you suffer a great loss, but you tried and begged for help without receiving any, being alone. You could not even tell him goodbye in a proper way. I am sincerely sorry for that, because it must have added a lot to your suffering, and the vision of yourself, even subconsciously.

So, once again, I am no expert, but I feel like if I can help you, I will.
The thing is, it depends on what you are ready to do. If you are not yet, wait until the right time.

> A great solution would be to see a professional, even try different people until you find someone that suits you. A professional (particularly psychanalists) will help you slowly access your subconscious, and so, your lost memories. They could help you link your current self to your 9 year old self, including your emotions and senses at the time.
> Even if you don't want or can't see a professional, I would encourage you to expose yourself to people or testimonies of people who had similar experiences as yours, even if it is just reading on forums or articles or books, that might help you feel understood (even though I at least do) by people who lived the same thing, and even understand yourself, put new words or feelings on your trauma.
> Another good thing would be to do what you bravely just did, which is writing, putting words, pictures, objects on your father. Even if these things are foreign to you, they still show you a part of what he could have been, or what he was. If you have family members you can trust, (and I insist a lot on the trust, because unfortunately some family members are absolutely not reliable, especially dealing with traumas) try to ask them how your father was, how he acted with you, in his daily life, etc. He might not be perfect, but that will help you know him.
> Once you do that, maybe this will not make unanimity but, for me, you need to say goodbye to him. Once you know who he was, you can write him a goodbye letter, imagine a conversation, anything that will help you grieve like you should, and let him go.

Even though you don't remember him, there is a part of him inside you. So you will always have him a bit with you. If you feel guilty for anything, don't. Nothing is your fault, it is completely natural.

Time will always help, but this void, for me, could be soothed, and that way, could help you live your life differently.

Anyways, I hope that wasn't too much and I could at least do anything for you.
Have a great night (it is night for me haha),
Thank you for sharing and reading,
Love.