rant/vent on my mom
I know nobody is gonna read this but I just wanted to pour out my feelings, I don't know if this is a rant or whatever, but bro... I'm genuinely scared of my mom. This happened like an hour ago. I didn’t want to go somewhere with her, so I refused and locked myself in my room because I knew she was going to try to force me. Like 10 minutes later, she came to my door. I didn’t open it, and she started threatening me, saying she was going to beat me and shit — and I know it’s not an empty threat. Still, I kept the door locked.
She came back a few minutes later and broke the lock or something, so I leaned against the door to keep her out. I didn’t want to get my ass beat. She started pushing the door with her whole body weight — and since she weighs over 150 lbs and I’m barely 89 lbs, I had to use furniture and stuff in my room to keep the door from opening. She kept slamming on it, screaming threats, and I was terrified.
This went on for like 30 straight minutes. I started crying because I didn’t feel safe in my own fucking house. I went numb from pressing against the door for so long. Eventually, my grandma and dad came to try and stop her, but she didn’t care — she kept slamming into the door. And when I say slamming, I mean she was literally running at it with her whole body. I was holding the door shut for dear life.
She started screaming that she was going to break the fucking door down. And I know she doesn’t joke about that kind of shit. She threw herself against it even harder, and I was bawling, begging her to leave me alone. I was shaking, and even now — it’s been over an hour — my legs are still shaking. I could feel the door starting to break, but I think my grandma and dad finally pulled her away. I heard my little sister crying too. Then, it went silent.
That shit lasted a whole hour, and I cried the entire time. Even after it got quiet, I was still crying. I started hyperventilating and wanted to call 911, but she had already broken my phone. I was stuck in my room, just sitting there against the door, scared she’d come back. I stayed like that for another hour, crying while drawing on my leg because I didn’t want to get up. I was scared the second I moved, she’d come back.
I seriously thought she was going to grab a screwdriver or something and take apart the door. Luckily, only my dad knows how to do that — and he wouldn’t. While I was drawing and zoning out, I suddenly heard footsteps and tensed up so hard. That whole hour had been dead silent, and I was just ready to run. I even thought about jumping out the window and running into the backyard just to get away, or to find a way to call the cops.
Oh, and by the way — back when she was slamming the door, she did get to the point where she shoved her hand under the door and grabbed my shirt. I didn’t move, but then she asked my nine-year-old sister to go get a knife so she could poke my lower back with it. No bullshit. My little sister. Of course, she said no, and my grandma started yelling at my mom. Things were going down hard outside my room. I ended up putting something against my back just in case she did manage to stab through.
So fast-forward an hour later — I’m still in my room, drawing and trying to calm down — and I hear footsteps again. I pushed against the door just in case. Then my mom tried opening it and said, “I swear to God I’m not gonna hurt you, I just need something.” Since she swore to God — and she’s a really religious woman — I hesitated. I asked her what she wanted, but she didn’t answer, just kept asking me to open it.
Eventually, I gave in and opened the door. My eyes were bloodshot from crying. She walked past me into my closet, and I quickly stepped out of my room. She stopped me on the stairs and asked me to come with her. I followed, and she hugged me, telling me, “Do you know how much I love you?” I just stayed quiet.
Then she asked me to go pray with her. I said no. She asked if I could at least shower, so I did. After that, I went back to my room. A bit later, she brought me my favorite food — avocado toast and tea — so I went downstairs, still not saying a word. Now I’m back upstairs writing this. I think I’m going to go with her to pray, just so I can see my baby sister crawling around — she’s like nine months old. ^^
But honestly... I do think my mom is bipolar. Too bad she doesn’t believe in mental disorders. And this kind of shit happens almost daily.
Just yesterday, I refused to go somewhere with her again. She grabbed me by the shirt, and I pulled away — we were on the stairs — and she fell forward (thank God she didn’t fall down the stairs). But then she shoved me down the fucking stairs. I didn’t get seriously hurt, luckily, but my knees were in so much pain. I got up, ran to my grandma, cried in the bathroom for five minutes, then went back upstairs and locked myself in my room. Didn’t see her again that day since she left for work.
That all happened just yesterday.
I deal with this bullshit every single day. Sometimes I think about just ending it all, but I know that’s not the answer. You shouldn’t fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution. I’ve also thought about running away, but I don’t. I feel like I just have to deal with it so I can at least have a roof over my head.
I’m so fucking tired. But yeah… I guess I just wanted to rant or vent. Normally, I don’t cry — I distract myself with other things. But today? I cried. A lot.
Please stay safe. Do well in school or if you don't go to school then just do well in life. And wish me luck on my finals :pp!!
Messages
That shit sucks. Good luck on your finals, and stay safe.
Some advice: Always have something prepared for when things get worse, like a friend you can text/call when things are going wrong who can call 911 in your stead if you message them something like "My mom's (x), call the police if I don't get back go you by (x)". If you got pushed down those stairs the wrong way, you could have ended up with a broken neck.
Also. In my experience, it hurts to know that a parent can do shit like this but then act like everything is fine in the aftermath. It hurts to know that they *do* love you, in their own way. But the way they show that love is wrong.
While I won't tell you to stop loving your mother, I will say the first step in gaining some semblance of inner peace is to understand what she is doing is wrong and that your feelings of hurt are valid.
All I ask is for you to acknowledge this is abuse that you do not deserve in any way. What you choose to do with this knowledge can be tricky, both in inner turmoil and external circumstances. Think about what would happen and how you would feel if she acted this way toward your younger siblings.
Thank you so much for this. Honestly, your reply means a lot because I don’t really hear people talk about this stuff in a way that makes it feel real—like I’m not just being dramatic or overreacting. I’ve always known something was wrong, but hearing someone actually call it abuse kinda made me realize that not all parents treat their kid like this.
I’m gonna try setting up something like that with a friend or two I really trust just in case. I’ve thought about doing that before, but I guess hearing it from someone else made me realize how important it actually is.
Thank you again for being kind and honest. It made me feel a little less alone and thank you for my the on my finals ^^!!
It's a tough journey, but I believe in you!!
My preferred way of coping has been through writing characters and stories whose situations and interactions were a fun house mirror of my own, both the good and the bad days/moments. It kind of lets me see things from an "outside" perspective. But it's a bit of a double-edged sword if your parent discovers it and decides to, uh, dispose of it.
Something I did realize growing up is certain things tend to get "tainted"—like when you win an award and the teacher asks you to invite your parents to the ceremony. Then the choice is between avoiding that thing for life, or making new memories that can replace those bad memories.
For me, I decided to go to those events alone or with friends (without telling my parents, if it was during the school day / telling them it's for students only, if it's outside school hours) and giving them the "less important" certificates/awards afterwards so they could put them on display and feel (superficially) proud of themselves. Anything I actually cared about keeping (like friend's paper plate awards) were hidden away in a box.
But that's enough about me. Stay strong, and know you're not alone! Also, don't fall into the trap/spiral of "Other people have it worse, I shouldn't feel bad about my circumstances". Sure, some people might have it "objectively worse", but that doesn't mean what you are experiencing is right or good.
lol I have a notebook where I just write about random stuff and my feelings i write like A LOT and do also write about characters ^^!! TYSM for all your help and taking time out your day to talk to me
i hope youre okay, im honestly so shocked. this must be very idk frustrating and saddening, maybe something you cant put into words. idk how old you are but i hope you can leave that house soon. youre strong i hope yk that. no matter how frustrated you are just remember that it will get better, i promise you this. ik you probably heard this too much but its true everything passes. you're loved.
also - good luck on your finals i have mine soon too! we can do this!
i forgot to add: dont ever try to end your life bc of one person. your life is so much more than that. ik how tiring this must be but this is never ever ever the solution. once you get out youll be happy. and dont run away, trust me ik. it will just cause more and more issues. if you think that this is getting too dangerous go to the police but dont run away
Thank you so much, really. I’m 14, turning 15 soon, so it’s kind of scary knowing I still have to be here for a while. You’re right—it’s really frustrating and painful in ways I don’t even know how to explain sometimes. But hearing someone say I’m strong and that things will pass… made me feel so much better
I’ll try to hold onto that, even on the really bad days. And I hope you’re doing okay too, seriously. Good luck on your finals—we got this, even if life’s a mess right now. Thank you again, your message made me feel much better and tear up
Thank you for saying that. I’ve had a lot of heavy thoughts lately, and I don’t always talk about them because I feel like people won’t get it. I don’t want to end things—I know deep down there’s more to life than this, even if it’s hard to see sometimes.
You’re right about not running away too. I’ve thought about it before, but I know it’d only make things worse. If it ever gets too dangerous, I’ll seriously think about going to the police. I’m just trying to take things day by day and hold on until I can leave safely one day.
Thank you again for caring. It means more than you know.
i totally get it. ive been in a similar place before ik how you feel. and you were way stronger than me, the fact that yk that ending things is not a solution tells me that. i also understand how tempting it might be even tho yk you shouldn’t do it. youre not alone. we dont know each other but i can give you my socials if you want to talk more about your feelings. ill listen happily, ik how difficult this can be.
It really means a lot to hear that from someone who’s been through it too. I don’t always feel strong, so hearing that from you makes me feel a lot better about how I dealt with it. sometimes the thoughts get so loud, even if deep down I know I shouldn’t listen to them.
And honestly, thank you for even offering to talk more. That kind of support means more than I can explain. I wish I could take you up on the offer since I don't have much people to talk to online but since my phone is broken and I dont really have anything to text people with on my laptop I sadly have to decline T.T you were so much help and made me feel so much better thank you so much
thats totally okay im glad i could help, if you do ever want to talk again just reply again and ill listen. i hope you do well with everything and stay safe
ok please stay safe too :D!!
I've dealt with similar nonsense from my family, and It also got to the point to where I wanted to end my life because I felt stuck with them. Take your time, find some space for yourself. I think you're handling things really well on your own. It's going to be a long journey, but one day, when you get the courage to leave, it'll feel liberating. I hope things get easier for you. Until then stay strong, keep up the rants, and good luck with finals!
It really means a lot coming from someone who’s been through something similar. I’m really trying to hold on and keep myself together, even when it gets overwhelming.
I hope you’re doing better now, I’ll keep pushing through and try to hold on to the hope that one day I’ll be free from all this too. Thank you again for the kindness and encouragement. And good luck on anything you're working on too <3