I Hate Human Interaction
It's a holiday for Chinese people today, and some people in my dorm came and asked me if I wanted to eat zongzi with them.
I told them that I hated zongzi and that my mum just brought some over and I just whined to her that I don't eat zongzi (she knows, she's just memeing me). And then he asked me what I was doing and I said "job interview".
And then he said good luck and left.
There really is no type of human like this, huh?
Someone asks you to come out... usually regardless of personal taste, you should accept, especially considering it is nice enough for them to remember you in the first place... especially considering the number of interactions is limited to less than... a total of three times. It's common courtesy.
Why did I reject them?
The idea of possibly speaking to someone for the next few hours along with other people is so depressing, I don't want to think about it. Just speaking to that one person already makes me feel sick. I don't want to speak to another three or four or five or six - that'll just make me actually vomit. I can't sit through an hour of speaking to someone, I can barely stand being around a single person for more than a few days before I get sick of speaking to anyone and want to leave.
Engaging in small talk or just talking has become such a chore to me that my hands shake increasingly more with each ten minutes spent around a group of people. It's gone to a point where when speaking to people, I immediately look down and avoid their eyes because that way they'd likely move away from speaking to me. The only "speaking" I can do with other people is spewing long speeches about random things that I am aware without actually speaking to someone. Reacting and trying to match the correct response to every word is so disgusting that I don't think about it.
Every time I speak to people it feels like I'm slowly pushing my organs out of my mouth or towards my stomach.
I haven't spoken to my roommate more than three or four times... and it's been over a month since I've lived with her. We play the same games, we watch the same anime, we are in the same classes; why can't I speak to her? Because it makes my hands so cold and I have the instinctive reaction to just run away.
People enjoy talking of their troubles, but I can't bring myself to talk about mine. I don't want to connect to anyone around me, and I don't want to know about anyone around me. But it's impossible to live in a self-isolated world, and it's impossible to disconnect from the world in the manner that I want it to happen. I can't even bring myself to be open with my own mum to the point that she points it out.
I can do day-to-day communications, official communication, but once it is required to put the human heart into the mouth and wire it to other people, I don't want to. Or rather, I can't. The "genuine" part of me is misanthropic and the only words I can speak are formality. I don't want to connect with other people, I don't want others that I can see to know me.
Somehow, sometimes, I want to talk to someone else, or that I should talk to other people. Staying stuck in the same four walls all day because even seeing people makes me nervous is terrible. But once I try it becomes such a chore I give up. The idea of laughing with someone is so terrifying, that even when I manage to force out a laugh, it is done so in such nervousness that it sounds like I'm losing my mind slowly.
I stopped taking walks in the morning because I hated seeing people.
It has reached a point where I don't want to go outside and just stay inside.
