Grief is awful and takes a toll so much on you

I know that my grief isn't an excuse for how I acted and such stuff, but after therapy it was finally explained to me why I coped the way I did. I was scared and was for the first time alone that I had to be someone people can rely on. To help everyone mourn with me and stuff but I was affected so badly. I was like "I can't do this without him" so I made up a fake him. Just to help me get through. I was the worst person while at it and messed up everything more than I had to and kind of now I try to fix the relationships I destroyed. The lies I made up just to be in this "happy world" like who am I kidding? He was gone and I couldn't accept it. I pretended to be okay to people everytime I get hurt just so they wouldn't worry but then they got tired of stressing sometimes and I don't know. Now I'm kinda here just like finally figuring out everything and trying to forgive myself (I can't, I feel selfish for it) and try to get on with life.

I carry these lessons and regrets in order to be a better person than I was ever before. To live life as it is, to what it feels like to be human. Sometimes it is down but also I'm happy with little things. We have to learn to be happy sometimes and not take these regrets take over us.