should i just end it? like fr..
just ranting publicly bcz my notes aren't helping anymore, so u could ignore this it's a waste of time lol.
i made my mom cry, ik she's been crying bcz of me even before but like this time she couldn't even hold it and cried in front of me, i fucking hate myself.. and the reason? studying. i've always been good at studying (and i loved it), once i got into hs my grades got kinda bad compared to before but still i did study, i felt bad, once i became a senior, idk what happened to me, i started to fucking hate studying, didn't care if my grades r bad, hell i didn't even go to school and missed most of the tests at cram school, mom even got an illness bcz of me, and what i felt about that? "overreacting, so ridiculous". even now i still won't study and she thinks i'm doing it just to get on her nerves and be against her and shit, but it's just i can't. i don't want to, i can't and no one fucking gets it, and since it got to this, maybe i should really end it this time and kill myself. ik that i might matter to some people in my life, but if their care for me is causing them hurt pain bad health and even waste of money also LOTS of disappointment then i should just disappear and no i'm not saying it depressingle and sadly, but like logically. rather than spending my whole life knowing i won't change bcz i'm lazy too and no one is gonna accept that and will still have hopeless expectation due to my good past, then i should just make them sad for alittle while then they'll get over it and live happily ever after, and since there will be no future for me anyway as i'm in this state then death isn't too bad, tho if the god of my religion is actually real then i'll probably go to hell and suffer more or smth but well fine. i tried to tell her that all humans have some failure in their life and that's ok but she started saying that those people have circumstances and bad conditions that excuse them but me, i don't. well, in her opinion at least, and it's all bcz of phone and all that mothers talk. maybe she's right, that's why i shouldn't come back home tmrw after my math final exam and end it all
Messages
Hey. I don’t have any answers but I want to say I am quite a bit older than you and this is a bad patch right now. Keep living because there are so many enjoyable things that you will experience along the way. I remember a lot of stress and anxiety growing up but once I finally got out of my parents house, I realized how great life is and am glad I kept going. It sounds like a lot of pressure is being put upon you and I am sorry for that. That pressure is probably contributing to you being unable to study. If your mom is open to listening maybe you tell her that stress or anxiety or something is making it hard for you to study. Also, that the stress of expectations is adversely affecting you. If not, you just do the best you can and graduate and go on to college or get a job after school. Then you can make your own decisions and live your life. A failed exam or a bad grade is not a big deal in the grand scheme of life. I hope that things work out well for you.
I know i'm two months late for this and it's awkward for me to reply just now but thank you, it's not that my mom isn't open for that but it's that i'm already honest with her and each family member about my own problems but it's of no use at all i regret it everytime so yeah i'm going for that second choice, i've succeeded in my exams and now i could officially be a college student but my results were so low i might repeat the year but i still haven't decided yet. Anyway, just wanted to tell you i didn't do it after all and THANKS ALOT, i hope you are good and doing well too.
Girl wait wait I read it the whole thing u written and Twice cause u know what I feel the same way too so hear my story I think I'm younger than you so I also liked studying and I got good grades in my 10th boards I was soo happy I got 80% which I didn't expect for me it was way beyond good and u know what my father said "only 80%?" I started crying like u didn't even knew which class I was in until yesterday and that still haunts me so after I became lazy and you know my mom is totally opposite of yours she doesn't have any hopes from so never pushed me to study or anything but if I get bad grades she blames me and then says things like how my father side of the family did wrong to her how she doesn't want to be here she would've divorced him if me and my brother weren't born and on and on sometimes I tell her that I'll do something for u in the future so trust but she just pits me the second saying no you can't no it's not possible for u u can't do that saying how lazy I am saying that exam is too hard so I won't make it it's how I got where I'm a fuking looser who has self doubts and whenever I say something she goes straight to insecurities here I'm sitting at 2:43 am trying to study cause Tommorow I have an exam I also think to just end my life and be down with so u're not alone instead I think I'll end my life at 40 after I got everything and give it to her and my job is done so I can rest in peace so don't think it's your fault and don't even think ending your life life sure is hard and don't try to explain anything to your it'll always bring bad taste in your mouth just ignore her and try your best maybe there's someone out there who'll appreciate your affort for only living and I hope you do well in your math exam (I don't know if it helped I in anyway but KEEP FIGHTING I'LL CHERE FOR YOU ) (๑•ㅂ•)و✧
First, i sincerely apologize for my late reply. Second, i'm so sorry like so sorry for you having parents like that i'll just hope you can make it out as soon as you graduate and be free of all that. I know now i'm not alone in this so really thank you my dear, i passed it on the edge lol i might repeat the year tho cuz i prob can't get into any college that satisfy them so yeah but anyways i didn't do and won't do! also do things for youself to feel peaceful not for her or anyone. You helped and i hope i helped too, try gaining confidence in yourself in other things away from studying until you're okay with it again, thanks alot i'm cheering for you too so keep fighting along!!(≧∀≦)
Well, first off I'm going to tell you that none of this thinking is logical. I understand that you've grades have worsened and you don't want to study anymore. This type of situation is more common than you think, academic burnout has happened to me before and I was in the same position where I wanted to die because I failed my exam. To others it might seem small to want to die over these things but I think this is what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket, your self-worth, your life, your future, and everything that you perceive yourself to be are being held by how well you do in school (which grades can easily plummet) this is not all you are and not the only thing you'll ever be, I promise you that. You are not making anyone's life worse by being here, your mother had you and knew the responsibility that came with having a child this is not your fault, you are not your mother's expectations, you are your own person. You say that you know that you won't change but you can, I know this may seem like some sort of happy-go-lucky type of thing to say but it's possible. You won't change quickly and it'll be a struggle but you can get to a point where you'll be able to stand on you're own two feet again. Depression presents itself in more ways than one. Depression is often viewed to be this one-size-fits-all type of thing but we are all different people who handle things very differently. Some people lose the things they enjoy, lose their sense of worth, their grip on reality and life, and I believe that's what you're going through and it's so common please don't think you have no reason to feel the way to do. Killing yourself is not logical at all, and don't think for a second that it is. For what can feel right in the moment can be the wrong choice and you will be making the wrong choice. I hope that everything gets better for you, life can be really hard I understand that better than most people, I've had similar thoughts about killing myself and had almost done it years ago but I'm still here. I can't say everything is better but I can say I enjoy my life a bit more than I did before. You will get there too.
I'm REALLY sorry for being late to respond. I'm still alive so it proves your words are right! i didn't make the wrong choice and now i'm trying so hard to make myself understand my worth and all that you mentioned, i appreciate your every word alot and i'm so glad you're still here and didn't do it back then, i really am and i agree on that last sentence.. Thank you again i hope you are doing good too, and i kinda am sorry for being so dumb saying my suicide is a logical thing like idk what i've been on