my fanfic life with an unsatisfying ending

i never thought that i had ever been in love or even had a crush on anyone but recently i reencountered my friend that kinda immediately stopped talking after we went off to highschool.

i always had a very complicated relationship with them but i never truly saw anything odd with it and was always just happy whenever i got the chance to hang out with them since they were basically my only friend at school and they had their own more important friends lol but i always waited patiently for them to pay attention to me. they usually never spoke to me unless their main friend wasnt at school but i was okay with that.

a little before the pandemic i shared a few very personal things about myself to them and they were my greatest support after that, the next day they brought me a bag of sour gummy worms that afterwards became my favourite candy for a few years pretty much only for this reason.

there was this one time this friend came over to my house for a sleepover, they came over to my house a few times prior to this, and something about this specific sleepover just felt very different.

i have a very small bed so we set up a mattress right next to my bed but really throughout the whole sleepover they just chose to lay in my small bed with me, a bed that cannot fit two people comfortably. i didnt mind though. this was really all i could dream of. ive always wanted to have friends that wouldnt mind physical touch since i really do enjoy it but never get the chance to.

after waking up the next day we basically spent the whole day in bed till they had to leave home and somewhere during the time we woke up, we werent on our phones and were just generally kinda cuddling haha and then out of nowhere they kinda dared me to kiss them and i was stunned. they said it in a sort of a joking tone but in a way where you couldnt quite tell if its really a joke or not. my mind was going crazy, i had moments where my face very jaggedly got closer to theirs but i never acted on my thoughts cause i really never thought that anyone would willingly want to share a kiss with me.

after like 30 seconds of silence and my whole body trembling they dismissed their words with a joke and i just laughed along but we still continued cuddling in bed pretty much till like 4pm when they had to leave. after that, nothing happened for a long while because the pandemic and that was a detrimental point in our friendship, which was mostly my fault.

it was quite stupid but since we didnt really get to meet at school, i kinda just got paranoid and stopped initiating conversation over text since i felt like i was just bothering them (which could be true since they really did only come to me when no one was around) and then during the period of the pandemic where they were sort of switching us back and forth berween zoom meetings and in person lessons, i stopped greeting them altogether. that probably went on for at least a year. i unfollowed them on instagram yet they still followed me and viewed all of my stories (i used to be an avid story poster since i had no friends so i used that as a public diary, i still sometimes do nowadays haha)

then somewhere during winter break i had a dream about them and after i woke up i just felt miserable. after a lot of thinking i decided to make a draft message in my notes app since i knew it will be long and it sure turned out to be a whole essay. i could go back to find the message by dont want to torture myself with that right now. the message consisted of telling them about my dream and then begging them pathetically to start seeing me as a friend again.

after thinking of it real hard, with an aching stomach that felt like i had ten rats inside trying to eat their way out, i sent the message and i pretty quickly recieved a response saying that they would love to be friends with me again. after that we proceeded to facetime and talk about everything that had gone in their life (since both them and myself know that all i ever do is stay at home and do pretty much nothing other than draw) and i was so excited and happy.

after returning to school after new years, we hugged and talked like we never did before. life couldnt have been better for me. after that things went back to normal, except for the fact that they would turn to me some times during break and the lesson even though their other friends were at school and when they werent i could always sit next to them which made me very happy. during these days, we often wrote test for which their desk partner would always be missing so we would sit together and help each other with the questions when the teacher wasnt looking.

on one of my oversharing sessions on my insta stories, i posted something concerning my gender identity and being confused about it but not knowing what exactly was bugging me, just typing out my exact feelings. the next day at school this friend approaches me later during the day and their approach was really comforting, their tone was so different, so soft in that moment and all i could do was just agree to everything they were doing to me which i usually wouldnt since im so self conscious about myself and the way im percieved by everyone in public. they approached me with their make up bag and kinda adressed some of my thoughts in my post but in such a special manner where i just couldnt even feel embarassed. they just subtly responded to my feelings without forcing or putting on a lable on the confused me and they just sat me and started putting some make up on my face and then taking me to a mirror and asked me how i felt about it and all i could do was just nervously giggle and shuffle around.

one day we were sitting infront of the school waiting for my dad to pick me up and i just randomly brought up that a long time ago i used to have a crush on them but was over it, because i realized back then that i used to like them and thought that i was over them. i really didnt know what i was expecting from telling them this but i just wanted to mentioned it. nothing really happened, they were very shocked and found it hilarious so we shared a few laughs over it and then moved along and never talked about it ever.

there were other moments after that where i felt the mood was different. they told me that they trusted me with talking about personal problems and just in general having deeper conversations which made me feel very happy since i really still didnt feel like a friend thats worth much to them.

they used to take me to the restrooms during class to either smoke or put on their piercings if it was the last class. i never smoked, i was just happy to be there though on one of the final school trips as a class in moments where no one was looking they always pulled out their vape and would use that (so sorry i genuinely dont know smoking terms, i dont do any of those or alcohol lol) so when less people were around they asked me if i wanted to try and id figure that why not since its always fun to experience something at least once haha so then i took the vape and just took a deep breathe in which probably wasnt a good idea since i then started coughing agressively like a character smoking for the first time lol. what was more funny was that later that day, they would loudly exclaim that their vape was empty. idk how vapes work but the thought of me just emptying most of it is a lil funny idk.

anyways, about two weeks before the last day of school where most of us would part ways to our different highschools, they kinda stopped responding to my texts but still taked to me at school and then after graduating pretty much leaving my messages on read (since they were me asking stuff about school which i obviously wont be needing anymore) during the first year of hs they did message me a few times but really just small things that wouldnt hold a conversation even if i tried.

and now im here, summer break is ending in less than a month and i am entering my fourth and final year of highschool.

yesterday i randomly saw one of their posts and noticed they had seemed to get into one of my interests and i just became sick. i didnt know how to feel about this. i was already into this thing back when we were proper friends and classmates so i was kinda sad that they didnt like message me about it since i share a lot of this on my story and they diligently view each and every one of my stories that i posted throughout the time that we havent talked.

i saw that like two days ago and ive just been thinking about all the above that i had just written out and i lowkey have been getting these intense feelings to the point of again, having rats in my stomach. and im just wondering, am i missing the friendship or have i had feelings for them locked away in my heart for all these years? i would be just fine and satisfied with just being friends with them but when i thought about being in a relationship with them, i didnt hate it. but then again, what if the same thing happens again with us falling out and turning back into just two strangers. i also dont want to be the one reaching out again since i dont know if they just dropped me for being weird and boring and just in general a loser but then again the instagram stories? siiigh...

i am also worried about the loser part since i am one. i have one other friend at school that barely talks with me nowadays since they probably realized that there are cooler and less miserable people ot there, i never go out, like actually. i have no reason to and im just terribly awkward and cant form a friendship with a person thats not patient with me which many people arent considerate. i am autistic after all so its hard. but compare it to them, they have many friends, go out all the time, have a part time job and during summer travel to different countries with their friends.

i also just remembered that i used to draw them like a lot. i still have these drawings and looking back at it, i probably truly had a crush on them cause... i even drew them during our last year and then gave it to them and they pinned th doodle to their bag so i felt really happy. now that i think of it there were times where they would like take pictures of my shitty sketchbook drawings and i want to believe it wasnt with any malitious intent since they looked impressed? they never complimented me but would do this and id just be happy at any sign of any postive thoughts and feelings from them towards me haha

i dont really know how to end this off. im trying to figure out if i should just leave it be or try and approach them and till i fully figure that out and let go of these thoughts, i will be battiling with the rats in my stomach as i currently am right now writing this.