what i do when im sad

when i get sad like for example i see something that reminds me of someone or hear music that brings back bad memories, i honestly take that moment to open to floodgates to everything thats ever made me upset. one thing leads to another and suddenly im crying like im 7 all over again. when im crying in my room i take it as an opportunity to be upset and get all my feelings out since i tend to bottle them anyway lol. it makes me feel a lot better afterwards because despite me bawling my eyes out and feeling more resentment toward myself, nothing else changes. i have memory problems so i usually just type out a drawn out vent in my notes because i dont want to bombard my friends with my problems. id like them to believe that i dont have any tbh. i know that they already have problems that they're dealing with so i dont want to force mine on them. ive tried it before and when they dont give me the response i want, i shut them out. ive come to the conclusion that not letting them know what im dealing with is better for our whole group.

as much as i would like someone to listen to me ranting about my problems, after ive calmed down i always seem to regret telling anyone anything because theyll treat me like im fragile after it and it ruins the whole friend dynamic. i just want things to stay the same, but weirdly enough i hate it when they act like it never happened too. i dont want them to think that im hiding more things from them and that i want to kms or something because usually when im happy i really am happy. i dont want people to think of me as someone who needs help or protection but i think thats just my pride and stemmed from the way i was raised. im aware that sometimes my coping mechanisms are unhealthy and i dont appreciate people saying that maybe i need to get a therapist because im too self aware. everything that i do everything that i feel i already *know* why i feel that way. theres no use in paying hundreds of dollars for someone to tell me why i feel a certain way i already know why. whether i get a therapist or not doesnt change the fact that ill have to deal with my emotions either way. nothing would really change.

anyway ive gotten way off track this has turned into a super long rant i hope at least someone could maybe relate to me i dont want pity i just want someone to realize my perspective haha

-m10m