Vent (TW: SA)
I got abit triggered today and reminded of my trauma I hid, something I never spoke about to anyone ever and since I'm anonymous here it's okay.
Anyways, as some of ppl here may know I have a child but thing is that I don't know if it's mine cause my ex was let's say not just with me, during our relationship. i'm keeping the other father story out of here for now. This sort of happened when I wasn't in the mood for sex. They kept insisting and later on, it was abit guilt trippy. Still I said no, i agreed to sleep together but in the middle of the night yeah. Practically coerced to it lol but they didn't know, i mean they're another SA survivor. I ignored it. When i got news they were preggo, i completely ignored it.
Honestly, it was only until this year I started to acknowledge the child's existence. Both of us didn't want it. We gave it up for adoption. Never daring to talk about it again, not to even friends. We were both minors. Abortion is illegal in this country. Still it isn't the child's fault for being made in a way lmao but still it's uncomfortable to go into details, she's adopted now and that's fine. I have my own life to live.
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I mean they're dead so it doesn't matter , I loved this person for them and for who they were. Somewhat caring and loving but even so the anger issues and whenever they're feeling depressed, they make it MY PROBLEM. As someone who loved and cared for them, i had to be there and just always support them no matter what. I always feared of losing them cus they were suicidal, that if I don't agree to things who knows what they might do. Getting angry at them was something like horrible for me to do to someone who's suicidal. I don't want them to feel like a rapist back then, and i don't want to put that label onto them. They would feel so horrible so I put my feelings aside always for them. I loved them alot and i still do because there was something good to them, I'm sure they didn't mean it or whatever excuses I fucking have left. I don't want anybody else to hate them, I don't want their friends to think lowly of them and I don't get why I don't want that.
the lore keeps getting crazy
rip tho
Lmaooo its crazier than this cus i haven't mentioned abt the other father yet who's also dead now btw sometimes I wish I never opened that damn app cus holy shit did I get more traumas
oh hell nah man well at least the baby is alive and adopted
Yeah no this has to be one of the most insane things Ive ever read this year
Yeah the child was made of SA lol and pls don't do say that, honestly im tired of having to prove that my traumas were real. I don't like speaking up on it but people have been pressuring me for "details" of my story.
Did you mean to respond to another comment? I didnt invalidate ur story, Im just in utter shock. But if I somehow made u feel that way then I truly am sorry. I know healing is long road but I hope you can see the horizon one day
Idk what this means I'm dead serious abt this ╮(￣▽￣)╭
thats just my honest reaction
Why does it seem like you made this all up
Girl nah I didn't wanna go into details and say how my s/o coerced me lol part of me still likes him and respect them
Like honestly it's been so long yk , I used to think that i agreed to it anyways but i learned from therapy, I didn't like it and that maybe them being an SA survivor isn't an excuse to not respect my boundaries. They always disregarded my boundaries when it comes to sex because honestly both of us did it to forget traumas
That "im the man so it can't be like that right..." That only way for you to be a victim was to be the receiver. Still I don't know why part of me loves my s/o and forgives him, its fucking me up cause I want to hate them but i end up making excuses to enable those behaviors and be a damn doormat. Im still healing from all of it. My current bf tried to convince me that "he was a horrible person" blah blah but part of me refuses to see that. Even when others tells me.