little rant ^^

not sure if it's just me but sometimes i feel a really random burst of happiness for a short while which makes me feel like everything is okay then i suddenly go back into a empty state again
i feel as if manhwa is one of the few things that really resonates with me and actually allows me to escape my sort of reality and stuff & honestly its not like my life is toxic in any sort of way - i have a privileged life compared to most but i still feel kinda empty inside

i dont have random outbursts of like suicidal thoughts or anything?? i just feel really lonely i think
keeping up a conversation with others is tiring yet getting excluded feels even worse and i feel really insecure about my own personality for some reason too
its kinda weird cause most people more feel insecure about their looks which i guess happens to everyone sometimes and which i have experienced but i havent rlly seen that many people talk about their insecurities in personality
its like i critique myself on how i act yet i dont know how to change it and therefore put a facade on PLUS its moreof my personality online (?) even tho it does happen quite abit irl
a lot of my social life is online for some reason haha idek
my personality is described as kind of goofy too so its kind of hard to change that up atp it feels like a fucking concept to me & i js dont know how to act around people
i also have horrible thoughts which i kind of hate myself for because i have NO right to be thinking about shit like that (and i highkey feel like an attention seeker) - and i genuinely feel so corrupted on the inside which is probably due to the influence of social media
speaking of social media sometimes i spend several hours just doomscrolling or doing nothing on my phone and passing the time but then i end up staying up to usually read manhwa which rlly fucks up my sleep schedule but it is all so it makes me feel more in control of my own life
or like ill just be scrolling randomly and ill end up feeling so empty so id put down my phone and i let out singular tears but not out of sadness (?) i just sit and stare and not think about anything then start tearing up
i also have this little thing where i act jokingly around people and make it so they jokingly hate me but in a fun way which is def a me problem because it happens with a lot of people around like do i like to be degraded verbally or something LMAO ?? has me questioning shit bc when someone actually is genuinely kind to me in a normal context it feels so weird cause i feel like i manipulate the convo to go against me cause why else would they all jokingly hate me like why do i do that
im like the one person u make fun of in a group like alone like im singled out but not in a mean or toxic way so it makes me feel as if im really immature
trying to fit into a certain stereotype is so hard but creating my own personality is even harder
it's weird and i dont like it



wow writing in the spur of the moment is exhilarating i didnt know i was bottling quite a bit up on the inside