Im so lonely

I don’t know why, but commitment scares me so much. I’ve always wanted a boyfriend, or at least to experience what it’s like to be loved by someone other than family or friends. But every time someone shows interest in me, I pull away. I reject them before they can even get too close. It’s not that I don’t want love — I do, desperately. But the thought of being vulnerable terrifies me.

Maybe it’s because I never really grew up with affection. My parents aren’t the kind of people who say “I love you” or give hugs for no reason. I got used to pretending I didn’t need that. So now, when someone tries to show me care or love, I don’t know how to react. I freeze. It feels unfamiliar, like something I don’t deserve or something that could disappear the moment I start to rely on it.

I’m 17 now, and I’ve never experienced what people call “teenage love” no high school sweetheart, no late-night calls, no butterflies. I’ve always said I’m aromantic, and maybe I really am, but sometimes I wonder if I’m just scared. Scared of being seen, scared of being touched, scared of finally feeling something real and then losing it.

Still, I can’t help but feel jealous when I see my friends with their partners laughing, holding hands, being cared for. They make it look so easy to love and be loved. And here I am, trying to convince myself that I’m okay on my own, even though deep down, I feel emptier every day.

I want to be loved too. I want to know what warmth feels like, not just physical warmth, but the kind that makes you feel safe, seen, and enough. I want to give love too, but I don’t even know where to start.

Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. Maybe one day I’ll stop being so afraid. But for now, I’m just learning to sit with the loneliness, to understand it, and maybe.. just maybe.. to start healing from it.