disappointment everywhere

after being a casual kpop fa n i got too deep in the rabbit hole, became fans of multiple guys and quit all the groups i stanned within 4 months.
it was very disappointing. idols are human, and stanning humans sucked the life outta me man... it's left me so defeated and sad. i got a lot of love to give but feel like i wasted it on kpop.

dont get me wrong tho i posted my affection and crushes etc i did know it didnt align with reality and was just me appreciating their tv selves and that it's all part of showbusiness. but it made me realise i put too much of myself into things that never reward me or ever leave me feeling cared for (not the idols because ofc they dont owe me shit but just being in kpop in general was very cold). however, there was one idol i became a fan of who helped me understand my own needs better and who i wanted to be so i thank him a lot for doing what he does.

instead of being a fan i one day hope to love a real human being yknow?
im not sure how stronger fans of guys than me enjoy that life it feels so lonely and left me craving real human interaction