friend encouraged me to vent here but i wanna do it anon

idc if im not known in my main but i dont want seeing this in my profile

i just want someone to be proud of me. I hate myself so much, and a big part of it is because I just want someone to be proud of me. I try so hard, even when I’m exhausted, even when I feel like I’m falling apart, but it never feels like enough. I keep wondering what I’m doing wrong, why my best still feels invisible. I want to hear that I did well and actually believe it for once. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I wanna be successful later in life, but I keep failing. My grades are fucking so low, and I'm so disappointed in myself. I keep hearing pity, oh woe is me, because I always lose. I know growth isn’t linear. I know healing isn’t linear. But I’ve been trying my damn hardest, and it feels like I’m back in the same place I started. It feels like I haven’t made any progress, but I am still trying. I just want someone to be proud of me. I understand that in my head, I really do. But it hurts so much when I look at where I am now, and it feels like I’m right back at the start. Despite all the effort I’ve been putting in, it hasn’t moved me forward at all. I’m still trying, still showing up even when I’m tired and discouraged, but it’s hard not to feel defeated. I understand that in my head, I really do. But it hurts so much when I look at where I am now, and it feels like I’m right back at the start. Like all the effort I’ve been putting in hasn’t moved me forward at all. I’m still trying, still showing up even when I’m tired and discouraged, but it’s hard not to feel defeated. And I keep asking myself, what do I even do to get better? I know it’s trial and error. I know I’m going to mess up, take steps back, and repeat the same mistakes. But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less. I still want to become someone I can genuinely be proud of, not just someone who’s “trying,” but someone who feels good enough. Maybe then I won’t feel like I’m less worthy of a human being. Maybe then I won’t constantly compare myself to everyone I know who seems good at something, who has a talent, a purpose, a clear place in the world. It feels like everyone else has something that makes them valuable, and I’m just here, falling behind, trying to catch up to a standard I can’t even see clearly.