ran out of my bday party

fuuuuucucclkkkk this o already can’t stand being in fucking indian dresses (trans guy) and i hate it so bad but when i had to walk into the fucking room where my family (aunts2 cousins 3 uncles2) hearing them call me pretty or say aw or say i’m beautiful genuinely fucked me up so bad i feel like such a sensitive pos but to have family members who could care less ab me have me in the center of attention i feel so fucking stupid and can’t help but mentally criticize every single one of the actions and relate it to the fact they literally know nothing ab me and see my bday as just another family get together and despite it literally being my birthday barely anyone noticed me walk into i feel like such a fucking loser everywhere i go except online cuz at least it feels as if online friends gaf and it’s worse that i wanna b seen so badly as a happy person altogether
just having the reminder that i will always be a pessimistic suicidal self loathing underweight waste of space makes it all the more mind churning and i can’t help but feel as if i want everyone gone. idk why i cry and why im so sensitive i thgouht i got better at holding my tears in but everyone irl still sees me as some fucking antisocial tomboy tranny o hate it so bad i hate it
what makes it worse is that i have to sit in silence and wait for one of my family members to say a “nice birthday message” to me (our tradition for birthdays) and having nobody say anything at all bc they DONT KNOW ME they don’t know what i like they don’t care what i like it shows in their way of talking it shows in their gifts and i can tell im just an excuse for a family get together i hate that even my parents don’t know what i like i hate that my siblings are so incapable of everyhting despite one of them being literally an adult (i’m a middle child) i hate not being able to get mad or upset i hate crying in front of people who don’t care bc it’s awkward for them


HOLYYY RANNTT BRU