how did i even get here.

this is a lil rant about vaping, maybe someone will relate to this, idk.

anyways, i’ve been clean for almost 7 months after years and years of smoking/vaping/both at the same time, then i started vaping again in a middle of this february and been vaping ever since.

i hate it and love it at the same time, which is a normal experience for many people ig. my brain craves it and loves it but my body does NOT.

i loooove vaping after waking up, it’s the first thing i do after i open my eyes in the morning.
i love sneaking to take a hit at work.
i love chilling in the afternoon while vaping and reading a book/watching whatever/reading on mangago.*
i love vaping before going to sleep.

i remember vividly, how i decided to quit last year, before the 7 month long break - because i would even wake up in the middle of the night to hit the vape.

and i think it’s ‘bout time to quit again and for good. it will be so hard though, bcs times have been tough and vaping is one of the very few things that bring me joy, even if it’s permanent and short lived. i will be so bored without it. but also healthy, lol! can’t have everything.

*also, i developed this combined addiction of vaping while reading shit on mggo, so this will be a real torture from now on. i feel almost like pavlov’s dog. pavlov’s pupsik even, lol.

but if i did it before i can do it again amirite

[edit to add] - i just realized, you guys, this post is not meant to glorify vaping/smoking etc., by “i love vaping” i mean “my addiction loves vaping”.

i’m myself actually really sick of it, and i notice all the time that my body is sick of it, too. but i do admit the quick dopamine really helps me nowadays, because i don’t really have much things to be happy about and i’m under a lot of pressure all the time.

but vaping/smoking doesn’t solve anything and it’s making things worse actually, in the end. and on top of that it’s making broke, more stressed, more insomniac, more insecure, more unhealthy. i wish my brain could understand this and could understand that i can find dopamine elsewhere - maybe, if i try.

that being said, don’t vape, don’t smoke, don’t drink! (i’m mainly giving advice to myself rn, kinda) it’s a vicious cycle. just wanted to clarify this!