. . . . . . . . . . Tw suicide mention . . . I guess this a super personal story but readi...

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Tw suicide mention
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I guess this a super personal story but reading about jaemin and haeimin and their suicide/and attempt always remind me of my own actually most stories with suicidal behavior reminds me of my own I guess you can’t forget that kind of stuff. Honestly I spent a lot of years wishing I was dead I imagine how I would do it and when over and over again. I was miserable and at one point I just acted like everything was okay I pretended nothing was wrong and no one knew I was planning to end it. This may not be true for everyone but it’s not always right when people say that someone who killed themselves is selfish. For some it can be true but for me in my head all I could think about was what I burden I was to my family how badly I felt like if maybe I was dead their lives would be better. I know that doesn’t sound right. My family loved me and I knew that but no matter how many times I thought about that it didn’t change the fact I wanted to die. My mind was so warped in wanting to die and how miserable I was it seemed liking be dead would be so much better. And so I did it I tried to spend my last days with my family happily telling everyone I loved them and acted like nothing was wrong and then I did my attempt obviously I failed tbh living is almost as traumatic for your family as dying. Tbh I think I was numb but I remember everyone was upset crying wondering what they could have done different and blaming themselves. They cried because they realized the reason I acted so happily and loving the day before my attempt. My mom cried and cried asking why I did it . I felt so horrible once my shock left me. Seeing my mother look so devastated because of how scared she was she thought I would die. She slept with me in the hospital and didn’t want me to be alone. Days after she still cried even now I think she still does. She tells me how she has nightmares about that day. That sometimes she’ll check my room to make sure I’m still breathing that I’m still alive. It’s been a few years but she still worries I’m lying about my feelings. I’ll be honest even after therapy and some years later I went back to those same feelings but endured because I thought about how they would feel about how traumatic it would be if it did it again and succeeded. It hurts to thing of how devastated my whole family was. I can understand feeling so wrapped in your own darkness that dying feels like the best way out. Some people cannot imagine how truly awful miserable and exhausting it feels to wake up everyday and wish you didn’t. How When you think of the future you can’t picture anything or the thought of believing alive then makes you so tired. Some people cannot imagine that after some time life doesn’t feel like anything at all you just feels empty and lonely. It’s not an easy thing to fix and even the fix isn’t always permanent. I hope jaemin and anyone else who feels like that can overcome it. It isn’t easy but I think it’s worth it. Especially when you think of the books you’ll miss the music you won’t hear the people you won’t see the places you won’t go and the memories you won’t make. There may be a great future ahead there is no guarantee but the sadness you feel it won’t last forever I don’t have amazing advice or beautiful words to give just know you’re not alone