CHAPTER 32 MY BELOVED

im so late to the party here, but OH MY GOD chapter 32 made me feel things. rant incoming

idr who said this a while ago in the comments (whoever you are ily and you’re so smart) but when hayden is in his rut without brett (chapt 19), the way he attempts to calm himself down is by recalling the memory of brett going down on him, which is where brett COMPLETELY dominates the situation, even fucking leaving mid way through because he got a call. and when hayden blacks out, and has that vision of being on stage, he also envisions brett being in the audience and telling him, “well, do something.” in both instances hayden fantasizes about the dominant, controlling part of brett and the more submissive role that /he/ gets to play in turn.

we know that hayden despises his violent, dominating tendencies and always feels guilty about losing control of himself during sex, even when brett says it’s okay. i believe he finds more comfort in either himself submitting, or brett dominating (or them having an equal power dynamic). so ITS SO FUCKING INTERESTING that, in chapter 32, brett saying that he accepts the safe word and respects hayden’s choice to have it, and giving him that genuine, sweet smile, is what makes hayden bond to brett. the fact that brett acknowledges and accepts that he now has power—strong, demonstrable power—over hayden literally CHANGES HAYDEN’S BRAIN CHEMISTRY. it only makes me even more convinced that (imo) hayden finds comfort in submitting, in someone, and that someone crucially being brett, having power over him—but not toxic power, not power that will hurt him or necessarily manipulate him; power that will protect the one he cares for from his most violent tendencies. power that means he no longer has to agonize for days afterward about how much he must have hurt brett and if brett is truly okay. power that means he has a way out of his loss of control. power that means peace.

I LOVE THIS MANWHA SO FUCKING MUCH.