That is a really good commentary, read all of it
Edit -
Whats even more big brain of the author that I didn’t realize until now, is that in ch 5 Cliff says he painted everyone in the church. One of the nuns says oh thats why Cliff has been asking him to pose “lately”. Ross panicks, and makes the connection ->Cliff made a painting of everyone-> he asked the nuns to pose “lately”-> Ross wasn’t asked to pose and thinks about Cliff not needing to ask him to pose -> realizes Cliff has been drawing him lately and what does Ross look like when Cliff is secretly painting him? There’s zero ambiguity the reason why Ross imagines himself nude in Cliff’s painting. He’s nude in the morning when Cliff sketches him = they banging.
On a side note Ross’s name in the original Japanese translates to “Loin”. Cliff’s name sounded like “Rib”. And Master Tang, well his name sounds like “Tongue”. Im not sure where the author was going with this one but she’s so funny with these teasers
This is one of those works that’s been stuck on my brain for a few weeks because of the unsaid emotional depth of the mc and the purity of his love for the ml.
Even though the story is told from Ross’s point of view little is known about his thoughts and feelings though they are hinted at.
Ross's background. He knows what the smell of drug manufacturing smells like and openly points it out to the cult leader. He tells Cliff without shame that he used to be like him, turning to drugs because everything felt hopeless. And we see Ross is able to pick a lock with a needle. He knows how to subdue someone like how he did with Cliff. And, he manages to trick the cult leader into believing that he doesn't pose a threat to the point where the leader instructs Cliff to take off his chains. All without telling a single lie. This man is a criminal mastermind lmao, but all jokes aside, his clever maneuvering and knowledge of the darker arts, hint at a very dark past. Somewhere along the way, he discovers the Christian faith and becomes a priest, reconciles with himself, and serves God and people.
Ross's faith drives him to save, that is the nature of his profession. But when it comes to Cliff, he becomes... more complex than that. Ross's need to save Cliff borders on obsessive, I would argue. Partly because Cliff reminds him of himself as he told him, which would mean saving Cliff is a bit like saving himself. Ross pities Cliff, empathizing with his painful past. Even after unlocking his chains, Ross stays... and tells Cliff he'll stay by his side. That changed only when he realized Cliff was capable of making his own decisions like saving Ross's life. He made the decision to stay in the cult for Cliff's happiness, and he makes the decision to leave it also for Cliff's happiness. He wanted to preserve a future for Cliff where he could make more of his own decisions.There's a small mistranslation in chapter 2 in the juvie scene. Ross doesn't say he was going to stay "a little longer". He actually said he was willing to stay forever with Cliff, he felt sorry for him.
Ross's feelings for Cliff go beyond just wanting to save him, and it probably did start to develop during his time in the cult, though I'm not 100% on the timeline. Everyone else refers to Ross as Father. Not once does Ross correct Cliff, not even post-cult. He allows him this pocket of intimacy, to be called by his name, a privilege he grants no one else. He also allows other acts of intimacy. When Cliff went to see Ross at the church and held his hand, Ross holds onto the part of his hand that Cliff held, not saying anything but then quickly hides it when one of the nuns pops up next to him. Why is Ross holding onto the place Cliff touched and then hiding it? He also touches his cheek where Cliff kisses him, flashing back to an intimate memory of them kissing during sex, chastising himself for thinking about it.
Though very sensitive to Cliff's touch, he still pulls him for a heartfelt hug after Cliff shows him a sketch he made of him. When Cliff kisses him on the cheek again, he pushes him away, but then touches Cliff's chin with trembling hands. Not very pure and priest like at all.
Finally, when Cliff confesses that he loves Ross, Ross looks surprised but he asks Cliff to clarify, and Cliff said that he wants to kiss Ross and to touch him more. Ross reaches for him again, caressing his cheeks and then proceeds to break his priestly vows (he's a Catholic priest right, no romantic relationships). He fulfills the first part of what Cliff asked for, a kiss, , which I think implies a silent agreement to the second part, being touched. In the extra, their physical intimacy is hinted at heavily, though not confirmed. Ross remarks that "lately" he wakes up to Cliff secretly sketching him and he's afraid that Cliff will reveal a nude painting of him. This off hand remark means Ross regularly falls asleep next to Cliff, very likely in the nude if he's afraid Cliff painted a nude picture of him after all that sketching.
Ross found salvation in his religion. He made his vows to make sense of the chaos and suffering in the world. And he's willing to bend that structure that provided him peace to make room for Cliff. It's so heartbreaking. Ross's love is unbelievably self-sacrificial and yet at the same time, self-indulgent. Forgiving his rapist, sacrificing himself, breaking the vows in the faith that gave him clarity. He risks his life and his life trajectory for Cliff's safety and happiness. He's smart, righteous, and lives his life intentionally, following God's teachings. But he stutters, falters, gives in, for one person, jeopardizing his role in the process. And it is so fascinating
And it hasn’t been posted here but there's an epilogue (end of ch 2) posted on b@to where Ross encourages Cliff to move away and pursue art, this is the link:
https://[email protected]/chapter/2489179 (replace "@" with "a", mangago wont let me post the proper site name)
In that epilogue, Ross wants Cliff to meet people and see the world. Cliff asks if he wants him to leave him, and Ross has this hesitant look on his face before he tells him he can come back and paint for him again.
I read this as deep down Ross doesn’t want Cliff to leave him. But from the start, he’s always wanted Cliff to be happy, to live a full life and not simply orbit around someone. He loves Cliff, his hesitation betrays his more selfish feelings of wanting Cliff to stay close but those feelings don’t override his greater love and hope for Cliff to live a fuller life outside of him. He doesn’t want to tie Cliff down because he knows Cliff will take it a command, so he invites him lightly to come back to paint him for him if he wants to in the future. No explicit romantic ties because he wants to leave that choice to Cliff. But despite that, his actions tell us how deeply he wants Cliff to stay. He holds his hand, caresses his cheek, presses their foreheads together, while delivering that gentle line.
It ends there, but I think that Cliff will become a more mature adult as he travels and sees the world, and he will remember the person who showed him unending grace , compassion, and unconditional love. With time I think he’d be able to understand what Ross wanted for him and just how deeply he loves him without saying it.