Sorry, I feel empty atm

Everyday..

Everyday, the moment I see you, I don't know what to feel. I wanted to hate and loathe you, but I love you at the same time, so much that it hurts and it's tearing me apart.. bit by bit. You feel like a lovely torture

At the present, your presence makes me do things that I regret later on. I didn't want to, you made me do it, you forced me to do it.. I never wanted to be like this.. why did I turned out like this?

I wonder why do you have to do this? To me? To us? Or Our we not enough is what I thought.

The things you do, I know it all, but he doesn't, he doesn't... I know everything, but I don't know anything, I just knew, I knew you'll never change, And that fact is what hurts me the most. I believed in you, and I still do but for some days, I can't take it

I confronted you one time behind his back, you got mad and denied it all. I had evidence but then you told me this one line.. "Do you want me to leave this house??? You want me to get out of here??" I just asked you questions and suddenly, you gave me an ultimatum out of nowhere because of your defensiveness..

whenever you're outside, I can't trust you anymore and overthink when you stayed out for too long. I can't believe you're not the same person you used to be even though I see you everyday. I didn't notice your sudden change, I hoped I did but I was too late, for 3 months or more than that.. I will never know when

I feel like an idiot, and it's eating me inside everyday. It hurts so much to be betrayed, I started to doubt you and see you as a fake

Every single day, i'm trying to convince myself that I hate you, i hoped that I hated you, I wished that I can hate you. Like a prayer or chant, that someday, it will come true. And it won't hurt so much as it is now

I just love you too much.. I wish you realize what you're doing, but I don't know if I'm still there when that happens..
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mom :(