I’m crying so bad. I loved someone when I was young. That was the time I realized I also...

I’m crying so bad. I loved someone when I was young. That was the time I realized I also like guys. He was healthy as heck. Always smiling, making me laugh and will do anything to see me happy. Then one day I visited him and realized his mom went out. Leaving him all alone in their house. I stayed with him until evening. We watched the stars and goddamn I will NEVER forget what he said. He pointed at the brightest star and said “I wanna go there. I wanna see grandpa.” I was young and was extremely excited. We promised to go together. After that we were busy with school so we never saw each other for a whole week. I didn’t know that was the last memory we’ll share together. While I was leaving school my dad waited for me outside the gate. I always go home alone so I was curious why but never asked. I thought he just wanna spend some time. On the way home while walking down the road he slowly revealed the news about my best friend. He died, in the morning... while I was in school. While I was laughing with my classmates he was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. While I was happily eating lunch, his mother was grieving beside his lifeless body. While I was walking with my dad excited about tomorrow... he was already gone. When I heard the news... I remember staring at the sunset and kept asking dad why. Why did he die? He got veryy sick, his temperature went high and his mom dismissed it as a simple cold. She was always away. He never told me he was sick nor visited me asking for rice like he usually do when he’s not feeling well. She let him take a bath.....the day after that he died. I never saw him again. I was not allowed to attend the funeral because of school. I wasn’t crying or anything. I was still young. I just felt empty. They told me he was so handsome in his coffin. I regretted not going. I regretted a lot of things. Maybe I could’ve saved him? If I knew he was sick maybe I could’ve told my mom and help him get better. He never left my heart and my mind. Every now and then when I do some bad shits he always cross my mind. If he’s still alive would he be ashamed of me? Disappointed? it makes me smile or laugh sometimes even though he’s already gone he’s still guiding me. Imagining him scolding me. Making me rethink stupid things before I do them. Yes I loved him. I wasn’t sexually inlove with him when I was young but after so many years I realized he was the only person I loved that way and probably the only one I could ever love that way. He’s now with his grandpa. I promised to go with him but he left first. Little shit broke the promise now he has to wait for a while because I’m not going after him anytime soon. That’s his punishment for leaving me. And also mine. The sad thing is I could no longer remember his face... his voice and the way he talks. All I know is that I loved this boy from then until now.