A ted talk on Phos

Phos has not been Phos for a long time now. And if I know correctly Phos’s first abandonce is seen with Ghost’s almost kidnapping. Phos ceases to act bc of his curiosity for what Sensei would do. He feels guilty and sad bc he never thought he would abandon a friend. Later we also see another loss in Phos. The loss of fun in Phos is reflected by his desire to find a job for Cinnabar. But when he says that he found a job for Cinnabar he is asked a question, “What happened to fun?” His initial mission to find an enjoyable job for Cinnabar has turned into just a job.
Phos opens up to Cinnabar. He who has lied to everyone else and hid his every thought, opens up to Cinnabar and even asks for help and his judgement. But is refused bc his plan is faulty and isn’t complete. Cinnabar and Phos have different visions now. Cinnabar would have said yes if Phos had just asked to be his partner. But Phos only focuses on his self appointed mission.
Ghost asks to pair up with Phos bc he reminds him way too much of Lapis. Ghost says, “we both live by Lapis’ instructions.” Phos who reminds Ghost so much of Lapis but also reminds him of himself gets attached to Phos. And is taken away bc Phos’ want for investigation. Phos’ instability is very clear when he sees Cairngorm as Antarc and tries to hide him in case he gets taken again. His guilt clouds his judgement and already in chapter 39 Phos’ decreasing sanity is apparent. He faults himself while continuing to work, not giving himself any break and pushing himself harder and harder. His form gets destroyed and put together over and over again, his unstableness is clear. However fixing himself is his responsibility. Other gems do not offer him comfort and try to help him, leaving him to his own advances bc they too were left alone when they lost someone important. The only one who offers something resembling help is Cairngorm and that’s bc of his responsibility to Ghost, his last wish: to protect Phos. Thats why he was the one suggesting attaching Lapis’ head (whom ghost hid for years) to Phos. And when it’s refused, he suggests attaching his own head to Phos. This blind devotion to Phos comes from Ghost and not from Cairngorm himself. That’s why when Cairngorm is finally rid of Ghost he changes drastically. Doing what he wants to do without a care of others.
When Phos receives Lapis’ head other gems are not sure if it’s really Phos or not and it turns out that it’s not fully Phos when Phos sees Lapis in his dream. In the dream Phos is clearly shattered, not sure of himself and what he is. That’s why after that dream the line between Lapis and Phos are unclear. But they both have the same thought: to learn the secret behind Lunarians and Sensei. Even before Lapis’ head Phos was questioning Adamant and if what he was seeing was the real him but he had gave up after his want for knowledge lead to him losing Ghost. But now with Lapis’ head he is back on searching. To find answers.
One of the most unclear things for me was Adamant’s honesty after he lost Phos. Phos has been calling him out on his lies and questioning him for the longest time and because he couldn’t get his answers he decided to go to the moon himself. Now, we don’t know whether it was easy for Adamant to tell his story personally but we do know that there are things he can’t say even if he tries. My problem was that, it seemed so easy for Adamant to explain himself to the gems so why didn’t he do that before? Why didn’t he do that when Phos was going crazy with questions? If only he explained himself first, then maybe none of this would’ve happened. Maybe Phos wouldn’t ask for him to pray. There is a clear raft between the gems and Phos now. Phos is seen as a Lunarian. He is the one that took the other gems and he is the one responsible for all of this. Because they see Phos as the enemy they discard Phos’ thoughts which he tried to explain every time. While they don’t hate the other gems and even wish for their well-being, they put all the blame on Phos. They catch and imprison him for 200 years. And in all those times the Moon gems also don’t think about Phos. They never come for him until he wakes up. Phos is an anomaly on both sides. He is unable to let go of his past just as the other moon gems did. And he is unable to forgive Adamant just like the earth gems. And he starts to hate the earth gems. Chapter 83 begins with Phos’ dream in which all of the other gems are laughing in the distance and when he gets closer they say things like, “You were born weak.” “You can’t do a single thing properly.” “You were always wrong.” “Nobody would love you.” Lastly Antarc whom sacrificed himself for Phos, “If only you were never here.” Phos who has lost big parts of his memories (even forgetting about the Slug he went to the sea for) still remembers the time he was weak even if it has been almost 400 years since he was last weak. And in chapter 84 the first thing Phos says after waking up is, “Now. I want to crush all gems.” He is blind with hatred and also tiredness. He wants to rest but he believes he can only rest once his mission is done, once Adamant prays. In chapter 80 we learn why Adamant refuses to pray. Once he prays, all of the three descendants of Humans (Lunarians(soul), Gems(bones), Admirabilis(meat)) will turn to nothingness and disappear. Adamant who sees all of the gems as his sons and loves, doesn’t want them to disappear. But in his refusal to pray he continues the cycle he was forced into.
My one question now is why do the Lunarians still want to disappear? The gems brought life onto moon. Broke their mundane lives and made everything fun. But once again how long can they stay happy and satisfied? When will their lives become mundane again and they will wish for nothingness? They who were alive for as long as they had been, unlike Adamant didn’t have anything they could devote themselves to for the longest time. Now, couldn’t they devote themselves to the gems just as Adamant did? But once again who am I to tell them to just try the same thing Adamant did to be happy, when instead there should be different ways to be happy.

Edit: Also I just thought of this but Adamant reminds me of a neglectful father. Gems don’t have a healthy parenting system. When they are born they get thought how to speak and how to fight. That’s it. They don’t go through the slow learning process children are supposed to go through. After their lessons they are free to be with the others but the others are on the same boat. Even when they are hundreds of years old they still don’t evolve in their brains. They don’t long to learn to search for and find answers bc they never had the need to. That’s why even when they have a group for studying Lunarians that group still only does through the basic minimum and jusy skim the surface. Phos is different bc he was left alone without a job for such a long time and i believe this allowed him to turn his gaze on himself. Why am I here? Why am I here when I don’t have any use? He starts to question himself and after a while starts to question everything else. While writing this long ass Ted talk I didn’t have an idea why he was the one asking questions but now I know why!