I empathize whole heartedly

I been through alot of dark stuff like that. And the result has been devastating to my life. I can't trust men nor am I denying the traumatizing voice clouding my thoughts everyday. It's the physical surges of pain, heart racing, shortness of breath, loss of sleep, abstinence, and suicidal thoughts that chokes you and fucks up the choices that you make in relationships, corporate culture, and even legal issues. And the worst part of it all is that dirty feeling you get around people, that you just can't feel comfortable because you feel disgusted with yourself. It's hard, but everything happens for a reason. I'm still alive today because I chose to accept that there is something for me on earth, something my spirit needs. It's a journey that i will always be stepping into uncertainty. But while I was resuscitated(from a past suicide and the last attempt), and many past attempts of failure of taking my own life. I've just can't beat the feeling that even if I had died based on the place and things I saw when I was actually dead. That I would have been strong enough to fight my way through that too. How ever I feel like If I live even if it is a miserable or lonely life I will eventually move on from that type of vibration. No one lives on this earth suffrage free. This place is a teaching zone, but while it can seem like your a victim, (you are also as I had to learn) not a victim your whole life. At some point the internal dialogue changes to "oh those feelings are caused by my trauma" naming them helps with gaining your own personal confidence back. To anyone out there who has gone through even a little of this, to those like myself who keep experiencing things like this. I hope you know even if you gave up the other side still requires your efforts, giving up solves nothing. Your not less then for killing yourself that stuff doesn't matter because we all die. But ask yourself if you died and were put in a corner for a untold amount of time could you handle your own thoughts at your current mental health level?
Then my advice to anyone is to not do it, and get stronger mentally even if you feel that's cheesy but it will help when death comes. You can't take anything with you but the strength of your existence. If you believe in nothing then you will be harshly surprised that it's not pleasant, if you don't believe in something even if it's in your own divinity. So try hard to keep yourself going, not for anyone else. Not for any god or goddess you worship, not for the morality of it all. But keep going because you are the key to your own ending, if you want to be strong enough to move on from the mortal world your in now stop the cycle by living and learning. Knowledge is power, spirituality is personal guidance, your spirit is eternal and everlasting. Those three things can take you into many types of physical existence but you can't move on until you face your own challenges or you just repeat the cycle until you eventually do. So make this life count by living, and learning, and just being the unique you that you are. (づ￣ ³￣)づ