Wtf the way Wonyoung was sleeping was too cute!!!! And plz how Minseok didn't know about ...

Straights do be like that, it's no surprise since it happened to me many times. Some even know your feelings but just play dumb, brush it off, just to be able to keep enjoying the attention. I had a huge crush on a friend for what, 3 years, or 4? I thought she didn't understand I was flirting seriously. She wasn't repulsed with my flirting but she wasn't exactly reciprocating. I confessed to make things clear. She told me she already knew about it for a long time, but she said she can't accept that, it's not how "it should be" (I guess she means man+woman is the only option). Then I distanced myself to heal my broken heart. A few months after I learned she got some asshole she just met as a bf. I finally met him and he was such a dick, wasn't even good looking, I was like so THIS is your idea of how it should be?

At first i will say sorry for my bad English
And sorry for what happened to you. I really feel your pain, cuz it's too hard when you get your hopes up and there is nothing at the end.

After i read what you wrote for a moment i thought you was talking about one of my friends when we were in high school. There was a girl who have a crush on my friend. But my friend was a MF HOMOPHOBIC. do you think she told her? No. As you said she was "enjoying the attention" she was playing around with that poor girl's feelings and that girl finally realized after a half year. And my friend when she lost that girl's attention she was mad. Like wtf girl you didn't even appreciate her feelings and you were using her !!! We fought after that and we didn't talk again. I really can't stand homophobic and players, they piss me of. After 2 years maybe i meet that girl and she was with a new girlfriend. They were so happy together and her grilfriend was treasure her well. I was literally so happy for them especially when she moved on and find her own happniess. Unlike that shitty friend of mine someone told me that she ain't great with her boyfriend. Maybe thats the Karma lol.

And I hope the same happen to you, I hope you can find a great person who treasure you. Especially when you look like a good person. I felt like you still worry about her even after what she did to you and when she had a boyfriend.
And even you did i'm not gonna blame you or something. You been have a crush on her for a long time and i don't think it's easy to get rid of those feelings. And If you did get rid of it i'm soo happy for you!!
Sorry if I was mean to you, but you deserve better!
Some straight ppl are kinda shit soo i agree with u

Thank you so much for your support! No you weren't mean, I could easily tell you were trying to help, not to cause hurt. Btw your English is great and even if it wasn't, there is no need to apologize for it, it's not like English is the first language of everyone in the world. I'm also from another culture and expecting everyone to master the same foreign language is unrealistic.
I'm glad that girl found herself a girl that treats her right.
Although it feels bad that someone was put through the same thing, it's also relieving to see it really wasn't my fault. It helps with the internalized guilt, seeing it from a neutral perspective sure is effective.
You are spot on!
I'm not over it, but it's not that I held onto it for years and still couldn't get rid of it, it's quite the opposite!
When this happened, instead of processing the problem and accepting she did me wrong, I dealt with my feelings of hurt by internalizing the guilt, clearing her from guilt, and by converting my "wrong" self to "right" (straight), to make sure this kind of thing never happens to me again.
I dated guys to become normal, acted interested, slept with them, told my friends and acquaintences false tales of having crushes on boys. If everyone believes a lie, it eventually becomes the truth, right? Like hell it does!
It was exhausting both for me and the boys, I couldn't fool them. Many dudes I played pretend were like "You think I can't see you have no interest in me? Why are you doing this?"
For years of this, I caused heartbreaks. Hurting people other than myself felt like shit.
Not to mention the conversion plan didn't give any fruit. Before, I was confident I could do it if I put my mind to it. In the end, I wasn't able to care for men.
I only recently (it's been a few days, pretty new!) faced this truth, that the problem was not with being a lesbian but was with being an asshole and she hurt me.
The driving force behind this improvement was, I recently got into therapy. A therapist offered me free therapy after hearing my tragic life story of growing up in an extremely abusive family and still being a decent human and even becoming successful.
Therapy until now helped me develop more self-compassion, I started facing this problem I talked about as a side-effect and my therapist isn't informed about my orientation.
I had a merciless, spiteful, manipulative and abusive family. Both of my parents have covert NPD. Showing myself compassion, asking for someone else's compassion; generally demanding the humane treatment that everyone gets, standing up against maltreatment always got me punished. If I asked for it during an already existent incident, they became more violent.
I didn't even consider she was the one in the wrong, I've had to deal with way more violent people; compared to what I took before she seemed almost like an angel for years.
She didn't curse at me, scream at me, manipulate me, guilt-trip me, beat me, molest me, ruin my life from behind the scenes, try to kill me, deny everything she did when she got confronted, blame me when she hurt me. These were qualities I never thought I'd see in a human before. She once told me it was unfair when my mother verbally assaulted me and she was pissed off at her. This was by far the best treatment I ever got.
When the "that's not how couples should be" incident happened, I thought it happened because I was a fuck-up enough to make even this unbelievably good person hurt someone. I thought my parents were, in the end, right about me being the devil himself.
I know it doesn't make sense to many, I already get scolded frequently for being this stupid, for thinking those unreasonable things, but it's not about me. Growing up with human cruelty changes your view of everything.
Sorry for over-sharing, it's late at night and I don't have enough energy to check and fix this long ass reply. Please pretend the last half wasnt there if you want to reply.
Because when someone else recognizes the abuse that you didn't process yourself yet, the pain of it becomes unbearable. I had a really rough time with that in therapy so my therapist allowed me to take my time with stabilisation. I'm not avoiding it forever, just digesting it step by step so I dont break myself and end up worse.

I was a little bit scared when you didn't response soon, I was scared that you may get hurt because what i've said but thank god!!! Thank you so much for replying me back!!

And you are such a sweet and understanding girl, it's kinda rare find people who respect other cultures!! Thank you for kindness.

Yesterday when i said "i feel your pain" if i say it again maybe i will be lying! Because the things you been through was a lot for a lonely girl who even her family who supposed to be her first support was against her and didn't treat her. If i was in your place i couldn't handle it at all! But you did!! And if this indicate to somthing it will indicate that you a brave and strong girl, you know that right?

And sorry for saying this, but the most thing that made mad was your friend. If she only knew how to choose her words right in that situation! Maybe nothing of this happened! Like "sorry i can't love you back, I hope you can find someone better than me" not like she was saying the whole thing was wrong! She was the one on wrong and regrettably she incured you and you the one how suffered a lot)):!!
But you know, when you agree her about what she said, I do that some times because i don't want to lose the people that i care about even if i was right, I hope i can change that too.

The things that you did after that about dating boys and stuff of course i'm not in the right position to say if it was right or wrong, especially when you friend who convinced you by that. But the good thing is that you know now that it was wrong even after a long time and now you trying to fix it and start to accept your self!! Do you know how much courage a person need to do that?

I'm happy that there is at least a one person who helping you now. And i also so optimistic that you may get rid of all this pain you've been through and you will be happy and satisfied.
Maybe you see your self now weak but hell nah!! You are too strong for survived untill now.
I'm not really good with words but believe me i will pray for you always to find your happniess soon.
And if talking make you comfortable plz talk as much as you want, here we all strangers who don't know each other.

I wish for you a wonderfull day as you <3

I wasn't hurt, I replied late bc I'm busy with both chores and school. You know it's hard to find people like you. Even my therapist says I need to become stronger. People very rarely get how strong and brave you need to be to just be able to survive that. People judge me all the time, for not being as stable as they are and because the abuse affected me. It's not easy to believe I'm strong&brave when people tell me the opposite all the time, but I still know deep down, that I'm not weak like they say. No one in my real life agrees with it, but fuck them. Everyone is so high and mighty, because they think they know how being abused feels, but they have no idea. I'm quite surprised that someone gets it after reading your reply. It's not common.
They also reject when you tell them they didn't understand what it feels like.
I recently read an article, in the study they asked more than two hundreds of people what they would do if they get sexually assaulted in a job interrogation. %93 of them said "I'd speak up and leave the scene immediately. I would never suck it up." Yet when they simulated the assault, only %2 could do what they said before.
I've been sexually assaulted myself and even though I belonged to the part who spoke up and left, it's totally understandable for me why people can't. Wish people could be more like you and stop being such judgemental fuck-ups towards abuse victims.
I'm also optimistic about healing, thank you for agreeing with me on this. People judge me for that too, they somehow expect me to get rid of 25 years of suffering in the hands of my family and other people in a month... I, and probably you, can see the effort and growth but they somehow can't.

Awww a day as wonderful as yourself to you too

I wasn't hurt, I replied late bc I'm busy with both chores and school. You know it's hard to find people like you. Even my therapist says I need to become stronger. People very rarely get how strong and brave you need to be to just be able to survive that. People judge me all the time, for not being as stable as they are and because the abuse affected me. It's not easy to believe I'm strong&brave when people tell me the opposite all the time, but I still know deep down, that I'm not weak like they say. No one in my real life agrees with it, but fuck them. Everyone is so high and mighty, because they think they know how being abused feels, but they have no idea. I'm quite surprised that someone gets it after reading your reply. It's not common.
They also reject when you tell them they didn't understand what it feels like.
I recently read an article, in the study they asked more than two hundreds of people what they would do if they get sexually assaulted in a job interrogation. %93 of them said "I'd speak up and leave the scene immediately. I would never suck it up." Yet when they simulated the assault, only %2 could do what they said before.
I've been sexually assaulted myself and even though I belonged to the part who spoke up and left, it's totally understandable for me why people can't. Wish people could be more like you and stop being such judgemental fuck-ups towards abuse victims.
I'm also optimistic about healing, thank you for agreeing with me on this. People judge me for that too, they somehow expect me to get rid of 25 years of suffering in the hands of my family and other people in a month... I, and probably you, can see the effort and growth but they somehow can't.
A day as wonderful as yourself to you too

I wasn't hurt, I replied late bc I'm busy with both chores and school. You know it's hard to find people like you. Even my therapist says I need to become stronger. People very rarely get how strong and brave you need to be to just be able to survive that. People judge me all the time, for not being as stable as they are and because the abuse affected me. It's not easy to believe I'm strong&brave when people tell me the opposite all the time, but I still know deep down, that I'm not weak like they say. No one in my real life agrees with it, but fuck them. Everyone is so high and mighty, because they think they know how being abused feels, but they have no idea. I'm quite surprised that someone gets it after reading your reply. It's not common.
They also reject when you tell them they didn't understand what it feels like.
I recently read an article, in the study they asked more than two hundreds of people what they would do if they get sexually assaulted in a job interrogation. %93 of them said "I'd speak up and leave the scene immediately. I would never suck it up." Yet when they simulated the assault, only %2 could do what they said before.
I've been sexually assaulted myself and even though I belonged to the part who spoke up and left, it's totally understandable for me why people can't. Wish people could be more like you and stop being such judgemental fuck-ups towards abuse victims.
I'm also optimistic about healing, thank you for agreeing with me on this. People judge me for that too, they somehow expect me to get rid of 25 years of suffering in the hands of my family and other people in a month... I, and probably you, can see the effort and growth but they somehow can't. I also wish you a day as wonderful as yourself

Oops sorry I thought it didn't send my reply so sent the same things thrice

U just said what was on my heart! Whatever you did, even if change and became a better person, people still gonna judge you, and maybe remind with your shitty past. Regrettably most of them won't feel the pain you've been through, Cuz you the one who lived this bad experience "alone" not them. So plz try as much as you can that their talk and judgements won't affected on you on a bad way.

And don't let me start with Sexual harassment /:! I was sexually harassed for 3 times when i was between 5 - 8 years old from different people. From then i started to hate men, I know not all of them are the same but i just don't like them in real life. I grow up feeling unsafe, now i'm 22 and i wasn't in any relationship before. So that's why I'm telling you, you are strong, and even stronger than me, because you are trying to get rid of those things, while I'm here stuck for years, and kinda accept what happened to me.
When i realized what happened i was 15 - 16 years and i went to talk to one of my teachers at school because i didn't feel like i'm in a good mental. Do you know what she told me that time? "it's ok, just forget it and move on, and don't tell anyone because they will bad mouthing about you" after that i can't tell you how much i regret that i told her, I don't know maybe because she didn't even react for me, or the most important thing for her was that people don't know about this.
I didn't tell my family about what happened and i won't, because i know they wouldn't do anything.
And unfortunately I'm living in a middle of socity where the victim suffering twice, one because what happened to them, second by judging by the society, especially if the victim was a girl they won't be merciful for her.
I grow up hating the direct touch, even when one of my friends tries to hug me i always push her - sorry if I was a weird person for you): - . And when one my friends knew about what happened to me she also take it at ease and told me " you are just overreacting" i wasn't surprised at all, because she didn't live the fear and the shit that I experienced. From that time i just kept this thing to my self.
Even if they pass the same shit that happened to me the capacity to get over it is different from person to another but i don't know why people don't understand?
And all of this just because i get sexually harassed when i was young, but what about you!!!
You grow up in an improper environment and suffered for most of your life. Of course you won't get over it easelly.

For me like i said i accept what happened to me, I like the way that i am right now, not close to anyone, maybe it's worng but .. I don't know ..
Soo yees!! Take your time at healing even if take a lot of time. And i really want to tell you that ignore people talk but sometimes you just can't ignore it and you get hurt.
So plz don't gave up at all!

Yes, I'm trying my best. God it must suck, three times while you were so young. I was raped by an old male relative at 2 y/o and my mom kept molesting me until I was 15, also a few molestations from strangers but those were when I was nearly an adult so I could handle it.
It's not weird -NOT AT ALL- to hate or be scared of human touch, let alone after being hurt by humans. I also grew up hating human touch, especially my mom's and old males, but in general everyone. Once my mom was faking her loving mom facade in front of neighbours as always, and the first time I remember of shaking unstoppably was when she did it.
I still feel disgusted when someone hugs me but I don't start trembling instantly everytime like I did before. Even that took me years of patience.
The first time I was able to hug someone without losing control of my body and trembling like crazy was when I was 20. The straight friend I talked about to you before, she liked hugging a lot but I told her it was uncomfortable for me, unlike my mom who told me I was overreacting and trying to make her feel bad by trembling, she actually cared and stopped. After I became more comfortable around her, we hugged a bit but she still asked each time for permission and she wouldn't do it sometimes bc she suspected I was not fully okay with it but still going with it to not disappoint her. After 2 years or so of consent, could I slowly start hugging her myself and later a few unthreatening people if it was really needed. Even now it's still uncomfortable. From what I understand, people around you aren't necessarily compassionate about this issue but it's not something weird nor wrong with you, it's your healthy body reacting to a wrong thing, a threat. It's still trying to protect you from human abuse. You don't owe anyone a hug nor any other physical contact, even if it wasn't something that made you uncomfortable.

I completely agree with you about second victimization. The primary victimization a.k.a. the abuse causes cracks, but secondary victimization is what breaks one completely, whereas compassion heals the original cracks. God. An. Adult. Teacher. Telling. Their. Student. Who. Trusted. Them. With. Past. Abuse. That. She. Should. Just. Forget. It. Move. On. AND. DON'T. TELL. ANYONE. SO. THEY. WON'T. BADMOUTH. HER. Humans suck so bad and even the worst ones are still given authority to deal with vulnerable children. You need to pass two tests to deal with a dud motorcycle yet no one needs a license to deal with abused children, that is the importance that children have for them: Way less than a dud machine.
I get the worry of your family not doing anything when you tell them about it. When I got back home after I was molested at the job interrogation, my mom asked if I was hired, and I told her what happened so she doesn't tell me again I was so useless I couldn't even get a job. She herself made me wear that dress, saying I needed to look presentable in order to be hired, yet when I told her about the assault she said "Well it's normal since you wore that dress to the interrogation." Neither my mom or dad helped me report him, and still I avoid going near that workplace. Sometimes I have to pass in front of it and it still gives me such a terrible feeling.

She isn't a good friend if she told you you were just overreacting. I think it's time we stop excusing these people, she never had to deal with it, so what? I never had to deal with a terrorist attack yet I don't tell people that survived those they are just overreacting. There is this thing humans are famous for, called empathy that makes us imagine living something someone else lived and understand their feelings. Yet she, supposedly your friend, doesn't even bother giving you that simple basic thing.
You know, the people who tell victims they are just overreacting, from my experience, go absolutely crazy themselves if they live 2% of what they judged. I don't think anyone could talk so high and mighty if they understood the terror of that situation. I've yet to see or talk to someone who strongly dealt with a trauma by themselves, and I've talked to a lot of traumatized people, ever judging another victim as being weak or saying the classical shit in the lines of Well everyone has different coping ability, so yours is low while mine is higher, that's why I'm strong and you are not. Those are words of ignorance generally spoken by non-traumatized. It's not as simple as having the capacity to get over hard things. Having outside support during and after abuse, which they falsely assume everyone has and they will have themselves if they were to be abused, are CRUCIAL for getting over trauma, especially children. And the secondary victimization adds to the trauma.
About the not being close to anyone being wrong or right: It's not a matter of wrong and right. There is a internet site named beauty after bruises, it's about living after trauma, I saw a quote there that still helps a lot: "THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DEAL WITH TRAUMA." Not being close to people, more than it being right or wrong, what really matters is, does it help your living and does it make you happy?
For me, not being close to people and not depending on anyone helped my living A LOT. It saved me from a lot of potential traumas, since let's face it humans are the most dangerous things on earth, and if I didn't come close to humans, no one could break my trust anymore. No more betrayals since I trusted no one in the first place. No one hurt me bc I never turned my back. How is this wrong? It saved my life, probably yours too in some way. So first requirement ✓ But it doesn't necessarily makes me happy. Yes no one could hurt me and that in turn made me less sad, but life isn't only about surviving, it's also about feeling content and enjoyment in the life you survived through. I was depraved of this one when I wasn't close to people. I didn't have a choice then, you can't be happy if you die so I had to do that. But now my parents aren't here to kill me and it's finally time that I learn being able to enjoy my life too. No one isolates themselves from the public just for fun. It's a way to protect mental and physical health. But from what I got from your "Maybe it's wrong but I don't know..." you also feel the lack of enjoyment in the life you had to build around survival, like me and many trauma survivors. It's not that it's wrong to not be close to people, but, at least for me, it's not the most satisfying way to exist. Back then I couldn't afford satisfaction since it interfered with my survival, but now I did it, I learned survival and I'm well-rounded about how to survive. That's why now it's time that I satisfy my unfed for decades desire for healthy human relations. I couldn't form healthy human relations since I only had toxic people available to me, but me, especially the little me deserved it and won't be able to move on from the pain of neglect until I get close to people and create her the chance she wasn't given by adults before.

Again, I can't say this enough, it's not a matter of right or wrong, not a this or that selection when it comes to post-trauma work. There is no right speed, no right method, nor a right result when dealing with trauma. The only thing that matters is your gut feelings: The right speed is when you feel "This is the right speed", the right method is when you feel "This is what I need, I think this will work." And the right result is when you feel "This is what I want in the end." A person handling a trauma in 40 years is not weaker than someone who handled a trauma in 4 weeks. More than a clear-cut "I decided to get over it today", handling trauma is more like a slow transformation of feeling safe that goes along with having enough safety in life. It's far from "I'm getting close to people from this instant and never coming back." I always recommend doing soft and gradual changes in life while dealing with post-traumafic process. That way if something goes wrong, you can turn back, see exactly where it failed and fix that again.

Thank you, don't worry I'm not giving up, in the tough times I think giving up wouldn't be so bad, I look back and see how far I've come and keep going. Not giving up is the best thing I am at, my mom hated that part of me but still couldn't change it after all she did to me. You'd be surprised if you knew how many times I had to decide I'm not going to die, I'm still alive I pulled myself back many times, from jumping down bridges, from poisoning myself, from accepting my fate and letting my mom do what she wants to do to me without putting up a fight. I always had a stubborn nature, since I've known myself. It's part of why my mom targeted me instead of my other siblings. She and my other siblings are the opposite of me, they are weak-willed and they give up both responsibility and the control over their lives to whomever wants it once. I rarely let anyone to have control over my life. I do get angry, sometimes depressed if they come from people who were very dear to me, when I hear discouraging words, get looked down upon and put down, I can't say I'm immune to it. But spending time worrying or changing my mindset/behaviour bc of their behaviour is a level of control I'd give no one over my life. It doesn't mean I forgive them, it's more about my own peace of mind and sense of control. Before starting uni I had worse boundaries. It was still better than many but back then I would suck up to the hurtful words of people if I held them dear to keep the friendship sailing and non-problematic. I don't do that anymore, though it also took me a lot of time to learn putting firm boundaries. I'm not master-level, most people start to learn boundary-setting 18 years earlier than I started. But compared to where I was 6 years ago, I'm way forward than where I was at the point 0.
They call trauma work "work" for a reason. Just like in regular work, trauma work also needs force and distance to be seen.
And force, which means the effort you put in, is not always shown in your acceleration directly, since it's hugely dependent on the traumatic mass you are trying to move with that force.
One person who puts half of the effort you put in trauma work improves faster bc their mass of trauma is lesser. Not bc they are talented, more willing to get over it, stronger etc and/or you are unwilling, weak or doing sth wrong. Trust your gut, if you feel you are doing sth fast enough and the right way, that's enough.

And trauma isn't something, as they always tell us to do, you need to forget. And forgetting a trauma doesn't equal to closing a trauma case. I was told I should forget what happened as a child, and I did so, but its effects didn't leave my body. Now therapist is trying to make me remember what they told me to forget back then, so we can handle the trauma instead of suppressing its memories like everyone suggests you do without knowing anything about trauma. And you can't select just forgetting a memory then keep the others. Brain is interconnected, so when I forgot the bad stuff, the good stuff also left with it. Now they are restoring my memory of trauma at therapy, there comes good memories packaged with them and the pieces of my life, why I'm here where I'm now and how I came here starts to fit in. So I don't suggest forgetting trauma and don't suggest trusting anyone that tells you to forget it.

Yesterday when i read your replay i literally cried and i was re-reading over and over again, and realized and learned a lot of things. Even now i'm in tears and write this to you and i hope you do understand.
When you told me about your mum i was really shocked, i'v been always listening about such mums like her but i couldn't believe they were existing until now! A mum kept molesting her daughter!
My heart hurted me because you experienced the rape and the sexually harassed in a young age. And what make my heart hurter that nobody justiced you, like me ..

And when you talked about second victimization i totally agree with u. After that i've never trusted anyone who tells me to forget. Because i grow up and still remember everything happened like it happened yesterday. The fear, disgust, their touches, how they were breathing to my body and their whispers in my ears, everything!! And besides this i grow up feeling guilty that i didn't do anything about it. I was always scared. What if the harasser go to another vicitm? What if there another vicitm now suffering? But after what said about how to deal with trauma you COMFORTED me a lot. Made me realized that i was just a kid who couldn't do anything especially when i didn't find a person to guided me.
And when you mention that you avoid that palce, me to!!! And unfortunately this affected me and make me feel that I'm a coward person, but i always was telling my self "what's the problem if i was coward person if at the I'm not gonna hurt?"
But i don't feel like i'm gonna feel this feelings again after what you said.

And when talked about the right or wrong i couldn't stop crying, because you just described my feeling to words!
Truly i didn't like to get close to people because i was scared to experienced that again or someone knew about my past and repeat to me "you are overreacting" my relatoinships with most of people is superficial and i don't have any close friends at all. When you said "you also feel the lack of enjoyment in the life you had to build around survival" that was true! I always was telling my self this the best to me to be like this, but deep down in my self i always want a person i can go to him when i'm sad, or a person when i get a happy news go and tell him. I was scared that mybe when i die nobody will give a shit about it. At the end i convinced my self that I'm gonna make this by my own.

At the end I'm glad that you didn't jump down bridges, poisoning yourself, accepting your fate and didn't give up! I'm glad that you SURVIVED for your self, and for people like me ..
When you first told me about your life i felt like i should comfort you but you the one who comforts me, your words was too warm for me .
If you didn't mention your age I would've thought that we have an age gap. We're colse in age, but you are mentally major.
I'm too sad that you experienced all that in a young age but believe me you really change to the better!!!
I'm so happy that i've get a chance to talk to someone great as you.

I'm glad I was able to convey my thoughts in a right way and you trusted them and it helped you be comforted in the end. I'm not really good with expressing myself since I grew up in a home that I was told not expressing myself was the only way they will let me live. To boot I'm only typing, in another language. I thank therapy for this. Your tears of finally feeling understood and accepted are very precious to me. Bc when I had mine, they soon brought with themselves, the hope I thought I didn't have inside me anymore.
"At the end I'm glad that you didn't jump down bridges, poisoning yourself, accepting your fate and didn't give up! I'm glad that you SURVIVED for your self, and for people like me .." and this part you wrote made my tears flow. You know when I shared trauma there was not only the need for comfort. I love making friends also because if I'm able to help them when they need help as well, that is even more healing than only being helped by them. It gives the feeling of "safety" along with the amazing feeling of not being a burden. I know, probably you also think I'm not at all a burden for you, I get told that, people tell me I deserve support. It does help a bunch, but I'm not yet "done" with the belief of I'm sucking people dry whenever I ask for help.
Ever since day 1, (except the recent 6 months I cut off contact and she has no way to tell me) my mother told me I was a leech who sucked her dry, my demands from here were so unreasonable they left her sick to her bones and I didn't give a penny's worth thing to her. And anyone would tell her she had the best daughter around and that they were envying her for having a child like me. I loved her even through all that shit, at home I was her mom and she was my kid, yet even that didn't qualify as enough love and care for her. I always thought maybe I suck and the love I think I'm giving to her doesn't really exist. My mom took me to a psychiatrist bc I was being "extremely cruel" since I was angry at her, and used "You were about to stab me a few days ago, you even lied to the doctor who gave me stitches that I fell down while playing karate" as an "excuse" for being cruel.
The psychiatrist was asking me a few casual questions and I don't remember the middle part, when I came back to the real world I had tears rolling on my face and the psychiatrist said she understood how much I loved my parents and wanted to make them happy. I thought she was crazy.
I somehow accepted my mom's words as truth when she said I wasn't capable of feeling any love, empathy and regard for anyone. She'd say I was especially cruel towards my parents and I was selfish to the bone, that no one else besides them could live around me.
When you told me that what I did really reached you and you could feel the comfort I wanted to make you feel, it made you cry, it helped me a lot. Now I have proof to show against that bully of a mom, that I'm not inherently evil and I'm capable of doing good.
She would say that even though I say and think what I'm feeling is compassion and other pro-social emotions, it in fact isn't that and any person, like my mom did, would reject me.
So if you thought you were troubling an already troubled person by sharing your troubles, that's quite the opposite.
I'm starving for many different aspects of a (healthy) relationship. Along with feeling loved and accepted by someone, I also need a lot of having my love for them felt. My mom had a wall I could never get through, my love, no matter how much, wasn't enough to do it. I tried for years to let her know that I loved and still love her so I could leave and go no-contact in peace, after knowing my feelings finally reached her. I tried hard, showed her my loving even more, I read a lot to understand her more and expected my love would get through her if it was that much. Nope. It didn't. I didn't wanna give up on her. Though I still am not peaceful since she didn't acknowledge my love in the end, I finally left 6 months ago. She was still damaging me through my struggle of healing her with my love, it hasn't paid off even a single penny.
I felt and still feel like a failure after I gave up on her, since I thought my love and empathy wasn't enough and things turned out like that bc of me. Now I started "understanding" the problem wasn't love that I lacked for her or couldn't show, but it was her definition of love which was fucked up. I'm grieving over the loss and, as far as the process always worked, soon I'll be believing I'm, after all, not a monster. Just know that me helping you and you benefiting from it strengthened my self-esteem against that quarter-century old toxic belief.
You know my words weren't "too warm", it's just that many people used words too cold that you had to adapt to it. What they did wasn't of neutral warmth, thus, mine weren't too warm. Though I think, I know what you mean by "too warm". I feel that a lot myself. They are warm enough to make you expect compassion (which is really healthy) and that can make you end up with more hurt when people disappoint you, that is a side effect of compassion if used when you are still widely exposed to cold and judgemental people. Honestly the bad stuff does really hurt way worse after you allowed yourself to fully feel a good thing. And no one likes being hurt, I can't blame you.
I'll tell you how I did it when I finally tackle that myself! Maybe you won't need it anymore (which would make me very glad), but maybe it could work for you as well if you couldn't till then
And please, it wasn't me who comforted you, it was both of us comforting both other parties! It's not like you have to choose between giving and receiving comfort. Just like right now, it can, and generally does, go both ways! I feel plenty comforted myself too, thank you I used to feel I "used" that person whenever she comforted me. It made me feel guilty, I wasn't used to being given, AND SHE GAVE IT BEFORE SHE LEECHED ON ME UNTIL THERE WAS NO BLOOD LEFT. The feeling of guilt, the shame, it's no joke...
But the world came around and she needed help, I also comforted the one who comforted me, that created the strong bond I didn't know I needed. About the age factor, I may seem mentally major but it's not about me. I just had a U-turn of luck after starting uni. I had a healthy hrelationship. It put me in a road of healing that was so euphoric, I never wanted to go backwards.
I used to have that compassionate friend who supported me and guided me through while I was making sense out of my traumas. She gave me the compassion and the encouragement I needed. Though she did hurt me our friendship fell apart (she is the straight crush I confessed to), before that she gave me the support that I needed, the support I didn't know it was possible for humans to give.
You know, my mom would roast me the moment I demanded the 0.5% of that when I was 5. In the rare occurrance, she accepted giving 0.05% but the pay back wasn't worth it. She would spend the next month saying I was too demanding and difficult and I should see how saintly she was for giving that. Caught in the guilt trip, I'd spend a month or two "paying her back" a.k.a. being her slave and doing everything she wanted until I wasn't physically able to. At that moment, she'd say I was a completely useless daughter who is incapable of being any good, after I gave her 100 things she wanted, all at the exact time she wanted them, in the exact way she wanted them. I dared to fail delivering her latest wish perfectly.
Gradually I gave up asking for that 0.05% support from her, it was never worth the effort that I needed to put in turn. Not to mention I'd end up in need of more support when she rejected me later. I could never provide what she demanded in turn, even though it took all my energy and attention AND MORE. Not bc I was incapable, but bc she wanted everything peefectly perfect, also from a kindergartener.
When my friend threw the ×200 of that comfort my mom gave that I could never afford the consequences of, I thought "Damn, there the absolute hell comes. Bye life, it was nice breathing for 17 years." I thought she's going to demand more than the total of my life energy and a lifelong contract of slavery or sth. Then I calculated her possible demand by comparing the amount of affection to my mom's. My brain showed me a blue screen for the first time. She gave 200 folds of mom's support, which I couldn't provide the appropriate pay back of, even after working my guts off. I didn't go to school ~2 weeks after that, I was dreading the possibility of seeing the person I was "indepted to" for life. After I severed the "complete slavery and in the end needing more compassion, in exchange of compassion" bond I had with mom, I never asked for support for 10 years. I "sucked it up" and "got over it" if my own efforts didn't solve a problem. She would wound my ego and self-esteem saying I was weak and useless for asking for help, support or advice. It wasn't affordable. I became alone, but it was worth it. My mom didn't have an excuse for telling me I was useless and weak now, bc she didn't know I wasn't superhuman. It was great for me when that happened that I oversaw the lack of support in my life. I lost the occasional micro-support, but with the pressure it brought upon me was gone too. And ten years later I didn't beg for help yet someone gave me support!! SCARY.
I was like "O no here we go again gotta run fast" haha and I locked myself at home so I can avoid it.
When I had to go back to school not to fail the minimum attendance and repeating a grade, I prayed she didn't come to school that day. And for the other day, well I thought I'd pray after I survived the current one We met the first day of my prayer, we talked for half an hour but she didn't ask for anything, didn't say I was a burden, she wasn't enraged, nor did she mention doing sth for me. I was like, looks like my prayer was heard??? But in a weird way???We walked and talked for half an hour more, there wasn't anyone with us too, so she wasn't scared of being perceived as selfish by others, I was like, "so sPILL. WHAT DO YOU WANT??! PUT OUT THE DEAL, oF LIFELONG SLAVERY, I'M MENTALLY PREPARED NOW!!! AND LET THE TORTURE COME WHEN I FAIL THE FIRST ORDER!! LET'S START SO IT'S DONE AND OVER WITH." She was like "Deal? For what? I didn't borrow you money, what are you talking about? Lifelong what?" I was like "!!!! OH!! Don't play dUMB!!! You gave compassion to me that day!!! AND IT WAS A LOT OF IT TO BOOTH!!! So spill it. What are the conditions!!?!" She looked at me all weird like I don't believe I just heard someone saying this. Wait did she really say that? After a long pause she said "Wait, you mean someone asked you for something for being a decent human to you?" And when I started the sentence with "But my mom-" She was like "WHaT? IT's YOuR MOm?!" with a shocked face, I realized that wasn't exactly a usual way mothers treat their daughters and something was wrong with HER not my incapability and selfishness that she always talked about of me having. I'd feel burdened with a problem and if I let it spill, my friend would CARE, and LISTEN, it was so unfamiliar. She'd try to HELP ME SOLVE THE PROBLEM AND GIVE ME ADVICE. AND SHE TOLD ME I DIDN'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING FOR IT. Alien. It was years of conditioning so I'd forget frequently that she didn't ask for anything in turn. I'd slip into the old habit of becoming her pleasure's slave, it's called reenacting. She would notice that she'd pull me back, informing me that I was doing it again and sometimes when I reenacted too hard she'd start the scene over from where I went off, we'd create a scene where I didn't reenact. A bit later than I started improving and not doing crazy shit to please her after being given humane treatment, that was when she had a trouble and told me about it. I was like "O no I'll ruin the friendship for sure. I have no ability to make nice emotions conveyed to people since I have not enough of them, what if she also gets hurt like my mom and? I can't risk that." I didn't want to hurt anyone but to me that was what's gonna happen. So my protectors closed off my perceptions. I have a disorder called DID, it's a dissociative disorder in psychiatric literature, the protectors are parts of my mind that have always protected me from insufferable things by shutting me off until they ensure the traumatic event is gone. It happens when trauma is a daily thing in someone's life, it's both a blessing and a curse. It helps the ANPs( one of them is me) survive trauma with no mental damage so she/he can thrive in the world, but since you split off a part of your being to handle trauma, you have no daily access to trauma, to that part of your being.
Basically when something unbearable for me (being told I hurt someone who helped me, in this case) seems inevitable, other alters, especially protectors, in my psyche splits me off from my consciousness, do things I'm not aware of, they handle the situation, and unlike many people assume of us with DID, with no damage to anyone. Then I'm allowed to come back when the situation is not unbearable anymore. I don't have any memory of what happened in that time when I was gone, but it was handled well.
I'm an ANP(apparently normal part) that does daily, "clean" jobs who has no emotional access and very limited memory of traumatic events. The protectors know how to survive bad things the best, they protect us since they went through them and mastered that part, while I and the other ANPs carried on with the normal life, school etc. They are very rarely present during daily life.
I'm diagnosed with a dissociative disorder called DID, most people know it by the outdated name multiple personalities, that's how we survived daily nerve-wrecking events WHILE being able to create a good future too. Therapist says there are 23 other members except me and even though I don't experience their existence, except very rare occurrances of hearing voices inside my head, seeing the chores I dreaded doing being done when I come back a day later, finding outdated travel tickets when I don't remember even thinking of going to that place. I generally don't have any memory during the time loss, where the other alters were in control. I sometimes feel "weird" for a very short time if the switching process isn't immediate. Maybe I hear my speaking pitch change, my accent change, my attitude overall change and sometimes I see my body moves but I'm not moving it. Once it was really slow, I heard a voice from inside my head talking to me, after that I lost sight (went pitch black) but could move my body, then came back minutes later in a position I wasn't in before.
After these, if they were present, I come back to people talking about something I did or they did or we did together, they show proofs (photos, videos we took together, texts I sent them, things we bought when we were out, etc etc) and the clock and the calendar are not where I left them when I was last there. Sometimes it's days later, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes, sometimes months later. Now that I live alone and only 2 safe people come visiting where I live, which is once every two months, I find the proofs myself now.

Honestly, it's not a matter of more maturity. I was less mentally mature before meeting her than I am now, bc I had to develop a lifestyle that would leave me able to survive in so much pain.
It's hard processing trauma when you do have support but it's an even harder road healing trauma when there is no compassionate human supporting you.
Though I can't say it's effortless and it doesn't hurt when you process the memories while you have support, IT SURE DOES FEEL LIKE IT IS EFFORTLESS AND HURTLESS COMPARED TO GOING ALONE!
Like if trauma work was a game, processing while having support is level 3, without that support it is level 12.
But having interpersonal trauma causes trust issues, you can be retraumatized/revictimized if you are vulnerable around people. It's not as easy to do as it is effective, asking for support or not rejecting it that is.
Yesterday I couldn't reply bc I got assaulted.
I have a friend from hospital, he said he knows a guy who was from the same city I was born in, he was dirty rich and was a member of a charity so he could help me with my expenses. The guy, while we were with my friend, said he'll come to check the lacks in my house so they can provide them WITH a female from the same charity. I could see the snake in him when I first saw him. Thanks to my beloved mom now I can spot snakes that the common folks can't since they hide it so well. I couldn't say anything, who would believe me when I said that he has a predatory aura? No one believes it, especially none when the predator (like my mom) perfects the good human façade so I didn't say anything. My friend who introduced me to him is also a male who we got in touch only lately, that's why he would believe me less than his lifelong friend.
Then this guy texted me he was originally planning to come with his female fellow but he HAD TO come alone since his fellow female charity member had blah blah problems. He came and ended up molesting me for hours, while doing the "check" on my house. I told him to stop and I hated when people touched me all over my body with no reason, he was in my house for 6 hours and his hands were all over me for at least 4 hours. I knew it wouldn't change a thing if I said I hated it, I was trembling yet he didn't stop. My mom and dad would get even worse if I told them to stop so I didn't risk it. I decided to speak up, his hand was stroking on my left thigh for 5 minutes and he was sitting too close that our bodies touched while doing it. Then he kissed my forehead, brushhed my lips, along with many places, then this asshole had the nerve to ask why I didn't trust people. I knew he would say (just like my mom did whenever she molested me) he was doing it "out of fatherly love" and I was just misunderstanding, and he did in the end yet I didn't give a fuck. (Ofc, my mom said she did it out of motherly love, it's a gender difference.) I said I hated it when people touched me and I was raped and assaulted before. Just like I thought, he said he did it bc he considers me his daughter (and he has a daughter whom I'm very worried about after this) and touched me even more.
The next day I told my friend about it, I didn't care whether he shamed me or didn't, I wanted this guy to be punished or at least his child protected. My friend surprisingly was compassionate and believed me. Just like I thought, he couldn't believe that the dude who was so "perfect" did that, just like how no one believed my mother who was so "perfect" would do sth like that. He said he is gonna make him pay for it soon and also will make sure I saw him like that I also told my worries about his daughter and he said he was gonna take care of it as well. Once again, I got supported. Hope you can get support soon too.
Although I again sort of dissociated while he was touching me. But I was less "out of it" during the long hours, I was "there" for 1 hour, (that's supposed to be an achievement even if it doesn't seem so from outsider's perspective, can't wait to see my therapists so I get told I did great) bc even if not as much as the average person, I can "ground" more than before. They taught me many things about it in therapy and my months of applying those techniques to daily life paid off.
I'm sorry I made you sad by talking about abuse, that happens a lot but in the end (as you can see) I still end up talking about it without thinking of the consequences and I hate making people sad. But I hate denying abuse happened more.
Thank you for thinking I change for the better and even that I'm great. Not gonna lie, the last one is still too compassionate for me to agree with in current level.
But!!! considering both of them were non-agreeable for me a year ago and now I can believe one of them, maybe one year after this and I could believe both

Hi cutie!! How are you?
At first sorry for being such a shitty person and replaying this late after cuple months. I'm really really sorry!!
I couldn't sign in before and I just did yesterday. I didn't know if I should repaly after this whole time, and I was soo scared that when I replay to you maybe I will open an old wounds. But I was soo worry about you and couldn't stop myself thinking about what you said to me. Especially when you comfort me a lot. After reading your last replay I was in tears again.
More than before and until now I can't tell how much I'm seeing you as a good person.
From the bottom of My heart I really hope you are doing well and with your therapy too

Please if it's annoying you and make uncomfortable to replay pleaseee ignore it like i didn't send anything.