I'm sorry to break it to you but this kinda parenting happens. It's not common but it happens. I may have watched too much american movies so i may be prejudiced in making this statement : not every teenager can act out or rebel against their parents and not all parents try to understand their kids. In a typical asian society, we are indebted to our parents and we have no say against them and what's more sometimes we don't resent them and sometimes we do. It's like the idea of total submission is embedded in our minds from birth so the only escape route we see is to get out of the house. Be it to work or study.
It breaks my heart to hear that, truly. Having my children (I have 3 grown sons, 1 adopted son and 1 adopted daughter - both also grown) love and respect me out of a forced sense of duty would kill me. I am lucky to know that my children love and respect me because I raised them with love and respect for each of them as individuals. Focusing on guiding them along the rough road of childhood and adolescence, into being happy and healthy adults, was my only goal. Now, my reward for my efforts can be felt in our loving, easy conversations and the wonderful fact that my children would never keep anything important a secret from me or their dad. In fact, we are the first ones called upon to discuss even the most minor of problems. Sorry for bragging...I'm a very proud momma. (⌒▽⌒)
I do think that all children, even in the Asian culture, rebel in their own way. In extreme cases they will do it spectacularly - if they feel especially repressed - with drugs, violence (to themselves or others) or complete removal of themselves from their parents / family. Others will use a quieter approach, by becoming deeply depressed, becoming "delinquent" or simply finding a wife/husband/lover mom and dad can't stand. I think this is less a culture issue and more a human nature issue. Although most cultures extol the virtues of controlling our baser instincts, as humans we strive to break free of confinement for our own survival. Confinement, emotionally or physically, causes within the human (and animal) psyche, a deep need to "break free". Rebellion can only be suppressed so far before it breaks something within the rebel. The best we can do, as parents, is to give our children LESS to rebel about.
Thank you very much for your kind, eloquent and intelligent reply. I enjoyed it very much, even though the truth was difficult to hear. I would enjoy chatting with you again, anytime. (⌒▽⌒)
I did it again... I replied to my own comment. Sorry. Please see my reply elsewhere on this page. ╮(￣▽￣)╭
Uhm yeah. This is real. I myself am in a similar situation with my family so I can totally relate to Kadokura. I've also been dealt the selfish card even after doing the cooking, the cleaning, the groceries and saving my own money so my parents won't have to be burdened by my personal spending. So I've already given up on my family but then, I was already 20 when I did. Something my mom told was the trigger and every incident sincd then has been an eye opener. No wonder it was so hard to say I love my family coz I never really did.
Oh my, I feel so bad for your past situation. Have you been able to "break free" and find your own independence and happiness? I really hope you have. Healing from something like that can take time (even an entire lifetime) but at some point you can have a happy family - even if you have to make a new one of your own. I truly wish you the best in your future.
Thank you for replying so honestly and candidly to my comment. Your earnest response was sincerely appreciated.
I get this, too, and I'm not Asian. Nor do I live with my parents and haven't for years, but I am in the same region, visit often and help out wherever and whenever I can, because they are getting old and feeble, and because I'm grateful for what they've done for me and love them in spite of their (many) shortcomings. The difference is that I think dementia or Alzheimer's has started to set in with my mother, so she forgets and chaos sets off her insecurities. Unfortunately, the parents didn't move when their children left, and now they have this rambling house that's too much for them (or me.) So, her insecurities are set off often. Since I'm the nearest and most available target, I get the brunt of it. Oh well. C'est la vie. It's different when you're younger and trying to start off your life, though.
My mom died several years ago, but I was her care-taker while she suffered from cancer. I never got the "selfish" card dealt - only because she knew how I'd react (poorly) and also because I, as an adult, tried desperately to be selfLESS when caring for her in that state. I did this purely for selfish reasons, not out of gratitude or obligation, I wanted her to know I was a good daughter in spite of how I'd been raised. That is to say, that my mother was a selfish, crazy-woman when I was younger. She chose to remain with my step-father, who physically abused me and pimped me out to my "uncle", rather than protecting her only daughter. But, as you said, C'est la vie. That is all ancient history now and she did inspire me to raise my children better than I was raised.
That's a horror story, Mameiha, and I've personally been through nothing that compares to it — although I've worked in a field where I learned of similar situations and it's always tragic. I hope you have somebody you can count on in your corner now. It sounds like you've acquired tremendous personal strength.
I have good, loving parents in general, and they've sacrificed a lot, so I know they love me and the sibs, although my mother has always had the habit of using emotional blackmail and guilt to get what she wants. It basically has no more effect anymore. In fact, when she gets that way, everyone either shrugs it off and laughs at her (if they are well-rested and able to withstand the psychic pressure), or they pick up their things and leave.
She's her own worst enemy and has lost a lot of friends because the dynamic behind guilt and emotional blackmail is that one is superior to others, which often hides an underlying neurosis about being inferior. That's my mom, the female version of Gaston: *sings* No one works out like my Mom, no one cleans house like my Mom, No one ... blah-blah-blah ...
It isn't "good daughter" syndrome. I know I have plenty of flaws myself and, for some things, a very tough skin.
That part of my past is long over. Thank you for your concern for me. Yes, I do have an amazingly wonderful husband, family and group of good friends. I've realized that, it is not my horrible past that makes me strong, it is my family and friends who have shown me what I worth and capable of achieving.
Sounds like your mom and my mom should have gotten together and gone bowling. LOL (Breakfast Club reference) Talk about two peas in a pod! It's hard to live around that type of personality, especially as an adolescent. All the unsure awkwardness of puberty and young adulthood is amplified ten fold. To come out unscathed is nearly impossible. Faults, flaws and a thick skin are "par" for that kind of "course".
Please don't take this the wrong way, but from the first time I saw one of your comments here, I've admired your intellect, common sense and eloquence. I have come to see you as one of my friends, who inspires me to stay strong and helps me reign in my random thoughts. Thank you.
Dammit! I keep replying to my own bloody posts!! I'm such a dunce. Please see my reply elsewhere on this page. Sorry. ╮(￣▽￣)╭
gosh *blush* Thanks.
Definitely stay strong. (Now I know why I've never enjoyed bowling.)
Because of the Breakfast Club or because of our mothers?
Because of the Breakfast Club or because of our mothers?
Oh, I liked Breakfast Club back in the day. Never did like bowling though.
Me neither... I suck at it and it makes my wrist hurt. I was talking about bowling, not hand-jobs. I'm actually pretty good at those! ROFLMAO
(๑•ㅂ•)و✧
You are definitely a very gregarious person, so it isn't hard to imagine you would be good at those. I think it takes a hands-on sort of person. ;-)
ROFLMAO You got me, again! Every time I try to catch you off guard and make you laugh, you give it right back with interest! I love your sense of humor! You speak (write) so seriously and can also come back with such a sharp, witty and hilarious comment. I always look forward to chatting with you.
Me, too, and I think any further discussion like this is probably better suited to private mail anyway, as I don't think it goes over well with other readers who share these spaces. At any rate, I leave tomorrow and will be away for at least six weeks, so I hope your summer is lovely and you and all the other readers get a chance to enjoy lots of great yaoi! Have a good one.
... that this type of selfish parenting is ONLY A PLOT DEVICE and not really how people treat their children. What kind of person could talk to, and treat, their child so shamefully and still consider themselves a decent parent - let alone a decent human being? I get filial duty, but to interfere in the future and happiness of your own child is just begging for your own, and your child's, misery. Acting this way, when your child rebels (and they will), they will do it spectacularly and they likely won't let you back into their lives, even if you beg. The line between guiding and forcing a child can be razor thin, but a good rule of thumb is... if they are making "good" choices (positive for their future health and happiness - whether or not you agree with them), allow them to continue making their own decisions. Even as parents, who are we to determine the path to happiness for another?