siana's activites

the toxic gossip train...

Im reading manhwas more than im sleeping

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 乀 (ˍ, ل ل      じしˍ,)ノ

ⓘ This person is... ⓘ

Hana; she/they⠀⠀

The urge to read yaoi is increasing but I still can hold it in

My English is becoming rusty and I'm scared. It's a sign. I'm healing

Don't like how my ass became my center of the pain while on period. 

I miss writing, I miss journalling, I miss venting and yapping on this page

Happy Eid Mubarak... It feels weird. I restraint myself for one month. I can finally read yaoi again. I mean I'm always like this. Idk. 

Gwan sik set the standard too high. May this love find me. 

I have no attachment. Delete je comment. 

I love how it's natural for me to just converse in English  

So many story to be told here but once I open this site, I forgot. AHHHHH IM SO FUCKING BUSY TWO DAMN WEEK AND HARINI BARU RASA TENANG SIKIT

I fucked up big time. I overspent my budget and now I have no money to eat, to pay for my university fee, I borrow my roommate money... I don't have any money left. 

I almost tell my irl about my username here. Pls I promise myself to never tell her about this site. Pls myself 

Damn it's been 3 months since I last wrote here. I've been so busy and shit. Alr so first of all, I want to write a lot of thing, what happened etc but I've been stressing a lot. And it's draining to do anything. I can't even function well. I think maybe since the second semester is almost over. I'll finally able to feel a closure. Damn I miss rotting in my bed. Secondly, I just happened to read a bl manga. Blessed everyone  "same sex don't have anything that ties them together unless they're having a child or marriage" tf, so being together meant you have to fill out the form. Birthing. That's disrespectful. 

I hate guideverse with my whole being. I hate the feeling of being use. Also force psychical. Don't have any choices. You were bind to someone. Drain yourself for other. Damn I hate this subgenre sm. Most of the story contain rape and there's no love in the beginning. Sex without love? Yes you can have sex for fun but I choose what I read. I may complain but I'll never read those. I've read few out of curiosity to try wtf is this. Alr maybe there's wholesome story out there that I haven't read yet. But most of it are angsty.... 

Let's talk about romantic feeling. Or just feeling in general. I've been struck with a weird feeling. I called it attraction against will ahahaha. It's so weird. Never thought I could feel like this. It feel suffocating. I can't control the feeling. I hate it so much. I should accept it and be understanding but no. I don't want to acknowledge it. Honestly I don't even know what types of feeling it is. Have no idea. Never in a billion people, I'd choose her inside the room. Thinking about this made me depressed lmao I wish to kms. It's so bad. I finally understood how... I never thought about this topic deeply. I just thought if that time came then I'd deal with it. Sexual preference is easy to understand but romantic feeling. I got a knack for women but I never dive deep down enough into the hole lol I'm scared. What if I never get out? What if I stuck there with no way out? What if I no longer can act normal... I'm normal. I'm talking about me. I still have social duty... Being with woman isn't wrong at all... But I'm scared of me. I don't want to get hurt. It's better to off myself when I can't live being myself or pretending to be a dutiful daughter. I'm in this shameful shell I'm choose to be in. Fyi I'm transparent asf. I was outed one time. I tired of telling this story. Just wanna say it was the most horrible thing a person did to me. Even if the one you're telling is my best friend. ...gosh I'm getting depressed again. Just when I find myself a little reason to live. This is no laughing matter. I might be talking like it's about nothing big. But people are being killed for "against the nature" I don't want to- oh god I'm getting deep there. Hmm 

One thing about me, I don't read servant x master trope. I won't say I hate it but that feel wrong. I'm all good for love to be bloom but me? volunteer? to read those then hmmm no. What's the title again. It's one of the famous servant-master story. The uke keep getting injured. Mind you I'm traumatized. Also you should just do your work. I like it when stories is more what it seems. Plot twist, the servant is actually a royal. Boom. Also love-hate relationship between me and job application 

The start of semester 2 break

Another battle of friendship. Would I save it or not? Idk how to talk about this. I'm trying to get away from this so bad while they're trying to secure us again. I don't feel anything anymore. I only feel bad and guilty. Stop. I made empty promises. Don't you know when to stop? I don't hate you. I don't want us to interact anymore. I feel drained. Idk how to say it to you. 

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There's this manga I was reading when I first got into all this, it's about a guy who rebirthed I think and started changing his life(same plot as the over 30+ I've read sadly). I only know that I loved it because it already had so many chapters at the time(500+). When I lost it it was around (3000+ chapters) . I don't know anything else about it except the fact that it should have lots of chapters (currently extimate it to be 5000+).
Help me find it pleaseeeeee!!!! ╥﹏╥ ╥﹏╥

Okay normally I absolutely adore esper and guide manhwas but this story is taking it too far. I'm just gonna rant on here and say my opinion, if you don't like it-- move on.

The uke genuinely has to be the worst character I've ever read in a manhwa and that says A LOT. I'm not trying to hate on this manhwa but its hard not too. The art is beautifully done but theres genuinely so many things wrong with this manhwa.

N.1 The age gap. Normally IDGAF about age gap but this stories age gap is just plain old weird as the seme refers to the uke as a child MULTIPLE times and admits to still seeing him as a child.

N.2 The Uke. The Uke is just plain old annoying to read, normally I love whining ukes but this one is just so frustrating to the point I dropped the manhwa many times (only finished it because of the art and esper x guide trope.) He's so attached to the seme its so annoying reading it-- like your a grown ass guy. He acts like a literal child and he reminds me of shotacon bait which is plain old disgusting.

N.3 The Lore. Normally I love toxic yaoi, but this is insane? Like what do you mean you were basically the reason he was disabled for eleven years, being forced to be a workoholic and subjected to hate cause he was crippled. Thats actually fucking insane, it'd be better if he actually felt remorse for his actions or whatever but he doesn't? AND THE SEME JUST FUCKING ACCEPTS IT? thats insane, just imagine that happened to you irl. crazy work.

N.4 The Seme. Although I like the seme in this story, he's also lowkey messed up. Just accepting a manipulative 18 year old who basically was the reason for all your suffering is insane first of all. Second of all, he just forgives too much, like it gets too a point. I dont have too much to say about him though, just that he deserves a better story and uke.

N.5 the ending / storyline. The storyline imo should've actually featured a montage of them improving on their CRAZY red flags together and moving forward or at least a chasing and forgiving arc, but we get none of that. Absolutely nothing-- it also ends on a very weird note. Why make side stories if its gonna end like that?

N.6 the fans. I'm not hating on anyone of you guys who like this manhwa, thats not my intention. But I feel like half the fans just disregarded all thats wrong with this manhwa because the characters were pretty and who cares? Theres so much wrong with this story and I feel like those who disregard it are ignorant. This manhwa just basically proves pretty privilege exists and that if a pretty person does something bad its okay! Imagine if the characters were ugly, would you guys be okay with this manhwa? I don't necessarily think so.

Theres so much more thats wrong with this manhwa but I feel like I already wrote the main things that bothered me. I was originally excited to read a manhwa that was esper x guide since there aren't many of those-- but this just truly upset me. I did like the art though aside from the horrible fucking plot.

If your looking for esper x guide manhwas check these out:
Traces of the sun
A Guide Out to Succeed
B Class Guide
Dear Zero
Guiding Hazard
The S Class Guide as sweet as honey

Anyways I hope everyone enjoyed my rant, again no hate to the artist-- it's just the manhwa really pmo. Again, if you need manhwa recs that are esper x guide or just really any manhwa recs, feel free to reach out. I have lots that are MUCH better than this one. Whoever actually read this I hope your having a good night or day! Much love <3 #－.－)


(EDIT: I ACCIDENTALLY FLIPPED THE SEME AND UKE ROLE, JUST KNOW WHENEVER I MENTIONED THE SEME I MEANT THE BOTTOM AND WHENEVER I MENTIONED THE UKE I MEANT THE TOP. I'M SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING!!!)

Love reading yaoi manga very much 
From action to superpower 
I like reading ff.net and AO3 and LJ 

feel free to ask for suggestions! 

hey yall, i’ve been stressing myself out about the future, so i have a question for working readers what do you do for work? if i could i would just read random manhwa all day, would be bliss.

Thank you!!!!

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