I think what jooin is referring to when he says he can't no longer kill himself more than be suicidal I think is him realizing he lived a nihilistic/self destructive life and he can't continue to live like that because he acknowledged that finally has a reason to change
Is really amazing character arc since he's portrayed as someone without a dream or ambitions and low self steem, he just kept living for the sake of it but know he has someone who lives him and and made love himself











So glad the alpha is communicating, most of the times tops never show their vulnerability but im glad he did