clementine muffin's Things

there's big friend groups already, and it's not like i on't socialize, but I'm not in said friend group. i have 2 friends, one of them is an annoying kpop stan who thinks stanning bts is the peak of activism (i used to be like that too sadly ) and the other uses chatgpt to find out things that she could easily google

on top of that, i have males coming up to me because i have accidentally ended up becoming close friends with the most attractive women in our batch, these 2 and 2 other people i earlier performed on stage with, and i guess they wanna befriend me to date them. which like i don't want that.

there's no one queer here, the atmosphere is pretty homophobic, I'm probably the only transmasc. people have come from such sheltered rural lives here that I genuinely get asked "why is your hair that short" and "why do you dress like that", forget them clocking me as transmasc they cannot even comprehend my existence.

i don't wanna be here. I'd rather have ended up in a private med college, atleast the people there wouldn't be so primitive idek. i sound so privileged and annoying complaining about something like this but im tiredddd

i think ironically the only thing going semi good rn for me is living alone and studies.

this butch is incredibly lonely and scared to talk to anyone, let alone act on his gaydar's intuitions

im not native to the area i live, I've lived here my whole life but didn't have to speak much of the native language here. i can understand it, read it, even speak it, but it takes me time to process it, i can't converse in it fluently.

and i never faced a language barrier in school because it was a rich ppl private school, but im now in a government medical college and i get deliberately excluded from conversations, ignored, unheard for not speaking their language. im trying but it's hard.

plus this place is full of raging homophobia and transphobia, people are already questioning my masc appearance and idk how long i have till i start getting targeted for it.

i just wanna get my mbbs degree and get out of this country man. i don't wanna deal with idiots. all I've done today is an unsuccessful driving lesson, and crying. everyone is sick at home and I'm supposed to be the responsible one today. what the fuck is life

we have a celebration outing thing from my local coaching, for the students who made it. it's a full day 12 hours thing. i came back from an 8 day outing like- day before yesterday, my muscles haven't recovered from that yet, I'm in genuine pain, and my family is forcing me to go, saying it's a good opportunity.

i never made friends with those people, they're still always talking about studies and stuff, just cleared neet ug and they're already taking about colleges for pg (which will be after they finish the degree they haven't started yet). meanwhile i still haven't properly researched the colleges I'm applying for in under a month

how the hell am i supposed to survive these awkward 12 hours? i feel like being on my phone for almost all the time there will be rude, but like can i do anything else? I've genuinely never talked to anyone there except for the two times i went for celebration parties at different centres.

I have about 2 months of free time on me rn, no studies. I'll be doing some other things obviously, can't really devote all my time to just one thing, but I had a long fic/book idea and I was planning on writing it rn.

Now I have written one short ao3 fic before and uploaded it too, but this plot idea I have does deserve a drawn out fic/book thing with substantial plot. I watched some youtube tutorials on how to write something like this, and it looks daunting there, people are spending months researching and taking physical notes filling up multiple diaries, seems like too much work for me to be able to accomplish in the time I have.

Is it actually like this though or do these youtubers make it look unattainable on purpose? Anyone who had any experience writing something with more than a few thousand words please help me out here

(also idk if this info helps but i was never a writing kid, if we had to do any sort of creative writing that was for fun and wasn't a part of the curriculum, I either made my mom write it or opted out. I really only got into writing recently because I started reading so much on ao3)