babao

[...] I want to be loved in full.

This was a really nice line because if you think about it, 1st Sejin's dying wishes never actually came true. 2nd Sejin's supposed 'clean slate 2nd life' was where he was loved with heavy guilt instead of a whole, unadulterated, and sincere love.

I'm not demeaning Ido's desperate attempts to overwrite his wrongs, but it's definitely difficult to look at it objectively and believe he had done everything from the goodness of his heart. Yes, it was love, but his guilt and repentance weighed even heavier. The fact he is so scared of handling 2nd Sejin, the fact he could easily break their engagement and 'let him go', he acted so evidently on his guilt that it created a deep and vast empty distance between him and 2nd Sejin.

Ido is so obsessed on perfecting the miraculous second chance that he completely overlooks the natural development of feelings between the new him and 2nd Sejin. I'm going to pull 2nd Sejin's words before the bonding wherein he felt "like a pet". Because it's true to an extent.

Ido clothed, sheltered, and developed 2nd Sejin to how he is now. Spoiled, pampered, and well-guarded. Ido was practically cherry-pickigng what was good and what wasn't in 2nd Sejin's life, leaving 2nd Sejin inadvertently reliant on Idi. And, honestly, the way I do acted is pretty much how an owner acts when their first pet dies from a traumatic cause. You become so protective of your new pet you do everything to prevent them from the tragic event last time because enay death that isn't of terminal illness or of old age is something you more often than not obsess over in justifying.

Sure, Sejin's decision to push through is ultimately his own, but the emotional weight, the opportunity, the responsibility, and expectations was always subjected to him by someone else, always Ido. Again, Ido overlooked the most important aspect: emotions. Because he keeps chasing after the so-called "Happy Ending" in other words, the lifetime where Sejin doesn't kill himself.

I think at this point, we might probably see Ido's perspective on matters now and the so-called chasing arc? Because from how I see it, Sejin is pretty much trying to assemble two very similar puzzle pieces on an already made puzzle board. He's trying to weave his memories into one and ensure that his reality isn't messed up. I don't think it's going to be easy either. Sure that the 2nd Sejin now is more emotionally and psychologically sheltered and well enough to be capable of analyzing and digesting the 1st Sejin's memories, but I don't think any human being can actually stay normal after being shot with years worth of memories and abuse in just a matter of hours.

2nd Sejin will need the time off to sort his feelings. If he really loves Ido, if the memories of his 1st life would even change the feelings he has now, and trying all sorts of introspection to draw the line between his feelings now and the past. On the other hand, Ido will probably understand even further how he has jumped over multiple steps that has caused his own anxieties, insecurities, and the severance of their relationship again.

I really can't want to see more of Ido's perspective. I really want to know how he sort of descended I fo guilt after he force-bonded with Sejin in the first life. And him having to retrace all that guilt and anxiety and find a way to come in terms to it now that Sejin has recalled everything. Because, in my opinion, the more he holds onto that guilt, the more that his so-called acts of affection and service become more of his attempts for self-preservation and repentance. He wants to do good because ehe had done so wrong back then, not inherently that he wants to do good to make his partner feel good or for both of them to feel good. He's still stuck in the past, still stuck in easing the pain, still stuck in finding a way to relieve himself off this living nightmare. There is no other better way to save yourself that having to come face to face to the nightmare itself.

And this is the best way: facing Sejin, in his truest and rawest emotions and memories, once again. Maybe as well this time, Sejin's dying wish to be loved in full can finally be fulfilled now.

Anyways! I think I can marinate again for a while so that binging the chasing arc is super worth it.

It says here that Bonding (whether forced it mutual) will create a connection that allows emotions to be shared between partners, even just a glimpse or a gut feeling if not the entire depth of the emotion.

I feel like Ido avoided Sejin because he only understood the gravity of Sejin's self-loathing, hopelessness, and depression after the bonding? I think being bombarded by that extremely heavy, suicidal, and hateful emotions surged and broke through Ido's psyche he physically had to separate himself from Sejin.

On the other hand, I think Sejin was so psychologicallly challenged and damaged that he couldn't even recognize nor pick up even the smallest signal of Ido's emotions. Sejin was so far gone that the only thing he recognized was the Bonding as a shackle?

Because that's the only logical thing I could hypothesize in why Ido had that odd expression right after the forced bonding and why he kept a guard on Sejin after he physically separated from Sejin. I think I do had some sort of inkling of a thought that Sejin was so close to breaking point he needed a guard? And when Sejin was really going to kill himself (basically the moment you decide on definitely suicide), there is a whole different wavelength of emotion that courses through your mind that might've triggered a fight or flight response on Ido which is why he arrived there right at the exact moment?

Like, sure, for the sake of plot Ido was just very conveniently around despite the continuous days of never showing his face in front of Sejin. And somehow he conveniently arrived while Sejin was there about to kill himself? I definitely think If had a feeling Sejin was going to "Cut Off" basically the emotional signal of the bond just flatlined.

Not defending Ido or anything, I just thing that I do being bombed with that depressive and hateful emotions would be an interesting plot detail if ever that was the case, because it would match with Sejin who is absolutely detached from his own emotions at this point, so blinded by the desire to die, that he couldn't recognize what he feels or what his partner feels (via the bond).

Or, better yet, Sejin might have even recognized Ido's feelings (which have been influenced by Sejin's depression), but because Sejin is so psychologically damaged that he probably recognized Ido's confusion and growing self-hatred as Sejin's /own inflated self-loathing/. Because, again, I think that would be an interesting plot detail since it was already mentioned prior that the bonding shares emotions/memories.

Whatever Ido had felt, Sejin recognized as his own hatred speaking volumes to himself.

Anyways. Well. I was writing this and suddenly the rope teleported to my neck /joking. I can't wait for the this manhwa's chapters always, it's so good. I really love a good angst and my favorites are when ukes (or the seme, not picky) actually succeed in killing themselves (or make a really damaging attempt).

If anyone has recommendations for other manhwas where the uke/seme kills themselves, please let me know I really love those works especially if it is super angsty, like downright heart wrenching and tragic and traumatizing. Thank you!