Koko's Things

And all people could say is "leave him" i physically and mentally cannot do it. I'm afraid that if i leave, he would hurt himself or me. I still love him despite what he does to me because deep down i know he's a good person. He's going through alot of shit right now with his family and his job. When you’re in an abusive relationship, you’re not staying because you’re stupid or weak. You’re staying because you still love them, because you remember who they were at the start, because you keep clinging to the version of them that only comes out sometimes. And those “sometimes” feel like proof. Proof that they can change. Proof that it wasn’t all a lie.
You start blaming yourself instead. Maybe if I’m more patient. Maybe if I say it better. Maybe if I love harder. You convince yourself their pain explains their behavior, that if you just stick it out long enough, you’ll be rewarded with the person you know they could be. Leaving feels like giving up. It feels like admitting all that suffering was for nothing. It feels like betraying someone you still care about, even when they’re the one hurting you.
And fear keeps you stuck too. Fear that no one else will love you the same. Fear that you’ll miss them more than they ever missed you. Fear that you’ll walk away and they’ll finally change for someone else. So you stay. You hope. You wait. You make excuses. You survive day by day, telling yourself tomorrow will be different. It’s so hard to explain what it’s like when you know something is hurting you, when every part of you understands that you should leave, but your heart refuses to let go. People think love is simple, that once someone hurts you enough you’ll just walk away, but it doesn’t work like that. You still love them. You still remember who they were when they were gentle, when they promised things would change, when they made you feel seen. And that hope sticks to you like a second skin. You tell yourself maybe this time will be different, maybe they’ll finally understand, maybe the person you fell in love with is still in there somewhere. I know I should leave. I tell myself that every day. I feel it in my chest when things get bad, when the words hurt more than they should, when I shrink just to keep the peace. I want out. I want quiet. I want to feel safe again. But then love gets in the way, and it’s cruel like that. I still love you, and that love keeps whispering lies. I just can't. I hate that I can see the damage clearly and still can’t move my feet. It’s not that I don’t know better. It’s that my heart hasn’t caught up to my mind. I’m stuck between wanting to save myself and wanting to save him, and every time I choose him, I lose a little more of me. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of loving someone who hurts me. And yet here I am, wanting to leave, needing to leave, but feeling like if I do, I’ll be ripping out a part of myself too. I love him so much that I can’t leave, and that’s the part that hurts the most. I know what this is doing to me. I feel it every time my chest tightens, every time I rehearse what I’ll say so I don’t upset him, every time I promise myself this will be the last time. I want to go. I really do. I imagine a version of myself who walks away, who chooses peace, who doesn’t flinch at love. But when it comes down to it, I’m still here, holding onto the person who hurts me because I also remember the person who made me feel safe, wanted, seen.